RozzyDozzy

What the Frack?

2012-01-31T20:45:00.004-07:00

Ok, last night really threw me for a loop. Mostly because of the rose ceremony, and I know I'm not the only one. But can I say that I'm SO excited for Emily Maynard to be the new Bachelorette!!! She, in my eyes, is basically perfect. Except, I don't get how she hated all the media when she was with Brad, and now she's just asking for more. Thoughts? Either way, I'll be watching every episode.

*"You are the kind of person I could -" (Ben) Is he going to say "see myself with"? "enjoy a relationship with"? "be myself around"?

..." - travel with." :/

*"Did you try working through [your failed marriage]?" Basically, he's asking if she gives up easily.

*I respect Nikki for taking the situation as it is, and not talking about how in love she is already. Way to have your head on straight.

*Blakely! Trying to talk through her frustrations! She is pleasantly surprising me.

*Emily finds out about the baseball diamond, she's all, "Where my real diamonds at??"

*ABC, way to make a potentially fun and bonding game become dirty immediately.

*LOLz at intense 2nd inning music

*Someone needs to talk to Courtney about the difference between needs and wants.

*Blakely's basically saying, "I worked my a$$ off, and....none of you did."

*Holy big tattoo on your wrist Blakely!

*Any girl that threatens Courtney's time with Ben is suddenly on her hit list.

*"I don't need a rose, I just need more time." -Courtney. I wish Ben would give her more time and then no rose.

*I love Kacie's curls!

*"I hate keeping secrets." -Courtney......I won't even start.

*You crazy, Elyse.

*I just cringe at the things she's saying! It's your first date, you are NOT in love!

*"I would like to propose-" -Ben

"Could you stop right there?" -Elyse wishes she had said

*She wants to be loved, but not necessarily by Ben

*"I'm feeling good!" -Courtney. Um, a rejection of another girl is not a personal compliment to you.

*"She must have drank too much." Do you notice Courtney is ALWAYS drinking wine?

*Blakely looks smokin! I'm liking her more and more this episode.

*"You're only in Puerto Rico once." -Court....Weren't you there two months ago?

*"I feel crappy." -Ben. As you should.

*I think Jennifer will be a top 3.

*Blakely talking about herself like this is good because it's not self-centered, it's confident, and that's what Ben goes for. She's staying.

*Ahhh, Emily you were so close!!

*Classy confrontation, Ben. I gained a tiny bit of respect for you.

*Who's the new brunette??

*Also, what does he see in Casey S? They've spent like two seconds together.

*Last rose - I said, "It's Jennifer!" out loud, and suddenly he says, "Emily."

........

WHAT??!?!?!?!

I was literally speechless.

He seemed to like her so much! And Emily - how did she not ruin it!?? She must have put out on their first date or something. Poor Jennifer! She's fabulous.

*Central America {does not equal} fabulous. There was no better adjective?

Ok, so not my best post, and I should talk less about Courtney, but she's just so entertaining. I also like how the "villians" of the last two seasons sneak up on the Bachelor at his suite. Do they plan these things?

I am SO excited for next week! I hope Ben doesn't turn against Kacie or anything, but I think he trusts her enough to know that she doesn't have any ulterior motives - I mean, she wants to get rid of Courtney but she's not trying to be all sneaky, she's just honest.

I'd say I'd try to lay off Courtney next week, but in light of the apparent drama, it will be hard.

Also? I really hope the bad news Chris has is not a dead parent because I will LOSE IT.

That's all.

Jumping on Board

2012-01-23T19:05:00.006-07:00

Well, I read a couple blogs post-Bachelor night, and I decided to jump on board, because I have a lot to say about it, too. So, enjoy!

A couple about last episode ('cause I just watched it), I am SO glad Courtney was all "see ya!" to Shawntel on the way out - because I hope Ben saw a bit of what she's really like. Also, I was hoping he gave Shawntel a rose just so Courtney would leave.

*Yeah Utah! Represent!

*Remember last episode when Courtney was like "No drama tonight!" and then she started it all? Looks like this cocktail party won't be any different.

*I want to take a tally of how many times they say "This is the perfect place to fall in love!"....for the rest of the season

*Stay strong, Kacie B! You've been so perfect so far....

*Chris' advice to use every moment to its fullest is the producers' way of saying "We need to spice things up!"

*Calm down, ladies. Most of you will have ridden a helicopter by the time you go home.

*"Get it started right"....with alcohol. To impair your judgment for the rest of the day.

*"Don't talk about the weather..." -Chris Harrison. This is not going well.

*The "why waste time on something you don't see going somewhere?" line just got you sent home.

*"This fire's hot!"

*What's that, Ben? You're looking to fall in love?! Why do they always state the obvious?

*"You want to be here." That's a good enough reason to get a rose.

*Oh, and he likes kissing her.

*"Is that Ben?" Who else would it be?

*"It's like this is all out of a movie!" Or a TV show...

*Or we could tally how many times they say, "we have a strong connection."

*"Mustard is my favorite condiment." HERE'S the 5 star convo we've been waiting for.

*I'll be honest, I think the last rose ceremony was the first time I saw Samantha. Where did she come from?

*Well, she did ask for honesty.

*He does NOT like her.

*Wow. If she hadn't interrupted him, she'd probably still be there. I do feel bad for her, she was trying to be honest, but she was just a bit too emotional for him. Which, honestly, who isn't in that scenario. Except Courtney. Who only seems to feel competition.

*EVERYBODY rubs you the wrong way, Courtney.

*When he's asking how it's going, he doesn't want to hear it's hard. He knows.

*YES! He loves Kacie B!!!!

*"Hello....Jell-o"

*Keep digging your hole, Courtney

*I guess all you have to do to get a rose is be desperate and whiny. Noted.

*I like Jennifer so far. So we'll see.

*How is ABC letting them do a date in a fenced off, caged area?

*Ah, the ever-present relationship metaphors made literal.

*Yes! In-house hairdressing!

*"She seems really...normal." As opposed to...crazy?

*Why are you going to waste your time talking about another individual?" Did they really say that? Is that what you're doing?

*Jennifer seems really comfortable with him. It's cute.

*"I can't believe he did this all for me - so romantic!" Ummm, he had about 5% to do with it. Thank ABC for the other 95%.

*The blonde next to them can't stop looking at them. "OMG it's the Bachelor!"

*You know you'd be his perfect partner after your first date?

*"....And then she was the girl who got the rose." It's like she was giving him a riddle, but...it wasn't a riddle.

*Now Emily's digging her hole.

*I'm gonna go get a drink....and tell Courtney everything you said.

*Ok. So in Brad's season, it turned out Michelle wasn't really so mean and that a lot of girls actually liked her a LOT. And so I want to give Courtney the benefit of the doubt....and then she's all, "I'm nice!" But, nice people don't say, "Don't f*** with me. Don't cross me." Or laugh in other girls' faces.

*It's snowing?!? Man, I wonder how cold that water was on his date with Jennifer.

*LOL you're not sorry to go back in with all the girls. You love these women.

*Wow, more rose ceremony girls I don't recognize.

*Elyse gives the death glare to Kacie B!

*I've said it before and I'll say it again - Chris Harrison has the best job in the world.

*"It was good getting to know you." Just not good enough.

*Poor Monica. She was crazy in the first part, but she seemed really nice in the end.

*Puerto Rico! "Oh, I was there two months ago." Well then, I guess you don't need to go back now. See ya!

*I will not be surprised if a girl leaves after finding out he skinny dipped with Courtney.

Trudging along

2011-12-08T21:47:00.002-07:00

The bad days are getting fewer and farther between, mostly thanks to great friends and an annoyingly patient, funny husband. I'm serious, the man does more for me than I will ever deserve, but so far, neither of us are going anywhere, so I guess I just have to live with it.

For a while after the chemo, I was recovering pretty rapidly, and I could even see the progression from day to day. Now, recovery is much slower, but I do see the progression after a week or two. My biggest achievement over the last month is my hair coming back - it's super fuzzy and for a while it was finer than a baby's, but now it's getting darker, you can see the cowlicks and the patches of scalp are getting smaller. In the past two weeks, my eyebrows have come mostly back!!! I have tweezed them twice now! I swear my hair is growing faster than it ever has - even my armpit hair, which I'm sad to say was the first to make its return.

I'm learning better how to manage my time while I'm home alone. It was really hard for a while; I felt super worthless, I wasn't contributing, I had no outside contacts...but I'm learning to be more productive, even if it's just doing the dishes and then reading. Sounds lame, but it's a big improvement from laying in bed all day (well, let's not pretend I still haven't been doing that...haha). I'm also making more friends in the ward, and I'm learning that my value doesn't come from making a paycheck, which is hard because that's the first time in 9 years I haven't been (except for the stretch where I was attending two schools at once). I'm learning to actually enjoy my time alone all day, so much that I think it will be hard to go back to work. But I'm going to talk to the PMTS owner to see if I can work there again; I don't want to go back to the barbershop.

Now let's just hope my funny starts making a comeback soon :)

I feel good today

2011-10-14T20:44:00.003-06:00

I feel good today. And that's not something I've been able to say for a really long time. I'm (finally!!) done with chemotherapy - last Thursday was my last treatment, and it was my last good day. I was on cloud 9, knowing I'd never have to go through that again. I laughed more than I've laughed probably since my head shaving party. I also cried, and I've cried every day since, and many days before. Cancer is not easy. [duh] But I'm finished with it now, and while I don't expect that my crying days are over, I expect that my days will be getting better.

That's all for now. Slowly but surely.

2011-08-28T20:01:00.001-06:00

My computer isn't working, and honestly, I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I'm worn out. So, I love me some blogging, but I'm taking a break. Be back soon.

Stupid Portacath

2011-08-20T13:23:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago, I had a device put inside me called a portacath, hereon called a "port." It's a little catheter that goes inside my chest, below my right collarbone, and it looks a little something like this:

However, mine is a purple triangle, not a white circle. Details.

They did a surgery to put it in, and once it's inside me, it looks like this:

It connects to a vein up in my next that goes straight to my heart. Kinda scary right? It shouldn't be, but it freaks me out when I think about it too hard.

The purpose of this port is so that they don't have to stick my arms every single time I go in, and make me all uncomfortable. With this, they stick me once in the chest, in the middle of that silicon circle, and we're done with the poking for the rest of the hospital stay.

Or so it should be.

Thursday when I went in, we started with the standard poke, but for some reason the nurse couldn't get it.

Poke.

No matter, she said. I'll try it again, and we'll hopefully get it right this time.

Poke.

No pullback on my fluids. She went out to get the head nurse to help out.

"How are we doin today? Shall we get this port working right?

Poke.

Fail. Yet again. Head nurse says he's never seen one not working, or being so stubborn. There was supposedly a clot blocking the way, so they put in some medicine to break it up with this poke. Take it out, try again.

Poke.

By this point, I'm losing it. It hurts freaking bad to be poked in the same place time after time. and to try and get things running, he starts pushing and pulling on the syringe with literally all his force to get the clot out.

But ok, if the clot in in the catheter, isn't that pushing a blood clot into my heart?? So I'm freaking out, and I ask them but they say the clot would be stuck inside the port. I have no idea how that's possible, but I let them roll with it. They say they're going to send me down to Radiology where they can hopefully get it with an x-ray image.

On the way down there, I'm covered in warm blankets, bald and in a hospital gown. I look like your typical needs-a-lot-of-help cancer patient, and for some reason this gets me really emotional. There were little kids staring at me, and I tried to smile at them, but I knew all they had to be thinking was how weird, how different I looked. I couldn't handle it. I was holding back tears for the next hour.

Radiology was really great, they all remembered me from when I got the port in, which was impressive. One guy told me how much he liked my hair! ha ha ha. Plus I've cut one of the guy's hair that works there! He's next to try.

Poke.

No whammies. They take a look at the x-ray, and it looks like it's just on the edge of the plastic and silicon. Keep in mind, my friends, that every waiting period takes me farther out from leaving the hospital, farther out from getting chemo started. It was 4 PM. I got there at 9.

Poke.

One last, desperate attempt, that yielded no results. The doctor came in and did it via x-ray.

Poke.

I couldn't hold in the swears, or the tears any more. It was too much. That was poke #7 and I was tired of feeling like a guinea pig, and also ugly. Man I felt awful.

They told me the problem was that one of my stitches felt like a knob they use to locate the silicon, and said don't be so patient with the nurses next time. If it doesn't work, ask to be sent down to Radiology ASAP so they could do it.

I desperately hope that never happens to me again.

I'm getting too comfortable talking about my bodily functions

2011-08-17T13:57:00.005-06:00

Last night, within two hours, I got up at least 7 times to go pee. Seriously. I wouldn't joke about something this intense. And it was in-tense! I'd go pee, then lay down and 5 minutes later, feel like I had to go so badly that I'd burst if I didn't get up. Then I'd go and it's like....a drip. Maybe two.

Whuck?

I'm trying to think of reasons why my body would do this. It's not a UTI because it doesn't sting to pee. I didn't drink a ton of water - in fact, every time I pee'd, it was barely any at all because it was so often.

*Gasp* You know what? I'm well aware of the date, and that a week from yesterday was my original due date for my baby.

MAYBE my body is so hyped up on HCG, and has been for 9 months, that my bladder's like, "aren't I supposed to be peeing like crazy now? You should have a 7-pound baby pushing on me, but since you don't...I'll just go ahead and make you feel like you have to pee anyway."

This whole pretending to be pregnant while actually having cancer is GETTING A LITTLE OLD.

I told you that story so I could tell you this story

2011-08-13T22:33:00.003-06:00

Herbal remedies: I'm a little cautious. My parents swore by them, and sometimes they worked. I've taken a few pills here and there growing up, cause it's all we had. Then I was introduced to the magical world of Modern Medicine my freshman year, and haven't looked back. I love me some ibuprofen!

You know what I love MORE than ibuprofen? Chemotherapy. Not in and of itself, but because it cures my cancer. My nurse at the Huntsman warned me against looking up natural remedies online and trying to cure myself, and it hadn't even crossed my mind. I trusted the doctors with whatever they were going to give me, and didn't want to risk any kind of setback or interference with another "cure."

So of course, it was only a matter of time before I told my friend Ali what the nurse said, and we started joking about the various other things I could do instead of chemo. Our favorite was to squirt lemon juice up there and it'd be strong enough to kill the cancer.

Not a month later - I kid you not - I get an email forward from a certain family member, aimed specifically at me, and, well...it'd be better if I just show you.

"Lemons and Cancer

Eating a Lemon is lot Healthier than eating an Orange ........ LEMONS will clean all your INTESTINES.. Which oranges don't ...
This is something that we should all take seriously. Even doctors are now saying that there in value in trying "LEMON"
A must-read-The surprising benefits of lemon!

================================
Institute of Health Sciences, 819 N. L.L.C. Charles Street Baltimore , MD 1201.
This is the latest in medicine, effective for cancer!
Read carefully & you be the judge.
Lemon (Citrus) is a miraculous product to kill cancer cells. It is 10,000 times stronger than chemotherapy.
Why do we not know about that? Because there are laboratories interested in making a synthetic version that will bring them huge profits. You can now help a friend in need by letting him/her know that lemon juice is beneficial in preventing the disease. Its taste is pleasant and it does not produce the horrific effects of chemotherapy. How many people will die while this closely guarded secret is kept, so as not to jeopardize the beneficial multimillionaires large corporations? As you know, the lemon tree is known for its varieties of lemons and limes. You can eat the fruit in different ways: you can eat the pulp, juice press, prepare drinks, sorbets, pastries, etc... It is credited with many virtues, but the most interesting is the effect it produces on cysts and tumors. This plant is a proven remedy against cancers of all types. Some say it is very useful in all variants of cancer. It is considered also as ananti microbial spectrum against bacterial infections and fungi, effective against internal parasites and worms, it regulates blood pressure which is too high and an antidepressant, combats stress and nervous disorders.
The source of this information is fascinating: it comes from one of the largest drug manufacturers in the world, says that after more than 20 laboratory tests since 1970, the extracts revealed that: It destroys the malignant cells in 12 cancers, including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreas ... The compounds of this tree showed 10,000 times better than the product Adriamycin, a drug normally used chemotherapeutic in the world, slowing the growth of cancer cells. And what is even more astonishing: this type of therapy with lemon extract only destroys malignant cancer cells and it does not affect healthy cells.
Institute of Health Sciences, 819 N. L.L.C. Cause Street , Baltimore , MD1201

SEND TO EVERYONE ... ! ! ! ! !
"

I am not going to lie. I was laughing super hard at this. I bet if they injected as much lemon juice as chemo as they are right now, I'd feel as crappy as I do. Or maybe not?

It doesn't seem to cut it. There's no way. Though after Santo's story....

I just had to share.

This is just plain funny

2011-08-12T00:01:00.002-06:00

I frequently use Skype to chat with a very good friend of mine who is currently in the Dominican Republic, waiting for her local husband's visa papers to clear so they can come to America!

Needless to say (but I will say it because it pertains to my story), they have different traditions and outlooks on life's challenging circumstances caused by amazingly different cultural upbringings.

During one of these nightly chats, her husband was telling me of a sinus infection he'd had for a while and it was really bothering him. We went over possible remedies, but one struck him that he thought might really work:

This is the face you make after squeezing half a lime's juice up your nostril.

Half a LIME!!!!

Isn't that hilarious?

The picture's not ideal - I wanted to get one of him doing the deed, but this was his second attempt and I can't imagine it was painless. However, now that I look at it again, it seems quite...perfect.

He ran away after that to deal with the pain, and days later when I talked to my friend again, she swore up and down that he was cured. Completely. With the lime.

Remember this story.

(PS I just noticed his wife in the upper left corner laughing her face off. You're welcome.)

An outdated conversation with my doctor

2011-08-10T00:00:00.003-06:00

At my appointment, the good doc came in, and first things first:

"Rosanne. You are my worst nightmare."

"Well, Doc. You're mine!"

He explained the situation, which is basically that the tumor I have is a ghost and that they were pretty much doing the surgery blind. They cut out where they think it was - basically a quarter of my uterus, so they figured they had a 25% either way of getting it right!

But it wasn't all right, and when he came back for my lab results, they weren't good.

I yelled "Shit!" when he said my HCG levels went up, and I guess he's used to anger 'cause he wasn't fazed; he just kept right on talking! I guess you have to be used to anger in the oncology ward.

He told me he knew I was religious because of the school I had attended (that's a little stereotypical, Doc), so he told me that, while he wasn't a pray-er (one who prays, not the noun. Or one who preys), he gave me full

permission to do so this week if I wanted to. So I told him, "I know you're not a praying man, but if you want to be this week, that's ok." I see no reason why I shouldn't be a complete exception to his....entire way of living. Wait.

He told me he had called one Dr. S, the nation's leading specialist on gestational diseases. So I casually mentioned that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be learning so much. You're welcome. (I also say that to him on a regular basis, usually without being thanked).

"Doctor, if you get rich off this, I want a slice."

"How am I going to get rich off this?"

"Like I know!" I said. "But if I end up being the only person with it, and you find some cure or something, that's all I'm sayin'."

They haven't found someone else yet, so things are lookin' good!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

2011-08-08T16:39:00.002-06:00

YOU GUYS!!!!!

The BEST Thing ever just happened!!!

It's like Christmas but early!!

I guest posted for a real live blog!! That is my hero of all bloggy-ness!!

I submitted a post with my friend Sarah to a blog called Rants from Mommyland about a month ago, because they were doing a series of "Domestic Enemies of the..." and then they'd list a type of mother, be it the adoptive mom, mom of teenagers, suburban mom, etc. So I thought to myself, "We need one of the moms who are Trying to be a Mom-moms!!!"

So we got it written and anxiously awaited the day for its posting.

And it's here!!!

So instead of writing about my party today like I originally planned, go ahead and hop on over to RFM to see what we have to say about infertility.

Merry Christmas!!

Feels just like I'm washing for the last time

2011-08-05T17:13:00.002-06:00

Because I did. Wash my hair in the shower for the last time for months. It was very emotional, because Taylor Swift's, "You're beautiful, every little piece, love," came on, and in a few hours I just knew I wasn't going to be beautiful. Then Chris came in 'cause he heard my crying, and I showed him all the hair on the wall and he reminded me that I wouldn't have to deal with it soon enough. Not the physical side effects anyway.

And I've decided I'm going to keep it shaved until the chemo is over with, which will be at least another month. So I better have some creative things to do to my head until then!

My HCG levels are in the one hundreds!!!!

This post talks extensively about my pee

2011-08-02T20:04:00.004-06:00

When you get a major-ish surgery, the hospital does all it can to do what it takes to make you feel comfortable - if you're at a good hospital. After my "c-section" surgery, that included giving me a catheter (a tube and sac that catches your pee) so that I didn't have to move around too much after the surgery. It was a good idea, too, because the first time I did go pee, I passed out on the toilet. Apparently, that's "normal" after surgery. Thank goodness I'm not a boy!

Anyway, this whole catheter thing was working out great for me, until at one point, I started to feel a but of pressure in my bladder. Not to worry, the catheter was there to catch all my urinating needs. But the more time that passed, the more pressure I felt. I tried to push myself to go, but my whole abdomen was pretty much useless as far as muscle control went, seeing as it had just been sliced open. So I tried to relax, thinking that was my best option. Plus, I had a friend visiting and I can't very well start talking about my pee while she's sitting on my bed.

Wait a second. She was sitting on my bed....

"Hey Sarah, get up and move for me will ya?"

We called the nurse in, and asked her about the bag. She said it was looking alright, then she traced the cord back up. "Looks like we had a kink in here!" She untwisted it, and sure enough, I started going freely again.

And going.

...and going

...and I kid you not, two minutes later I started slowing down. Not stopping, but slowing down. Think about how long two minutes is, then think about how long it is to relieve yourself.

I wasn't even embarrassed. What a feat! Who knew you could pee for two minutes straight!

Obviously, you see why I had to tell this story.

PS for anyone who hasn't heard, I'm having a head shaving party this Friday, August 5th @ my house @ 6:30. It's also a fondue party so feel free to bring dippins.

Dear Friend

2011-07-30T00:31:00.002-06:00

Dear the next person who tells me this is just temporary, and in 5 years I'll look back on this and see all the good things that came from it and be just oh-so-grateful;

I hate you. We are no longer friends, and I'm sending you somewhere you can get leprosy.

Love, Rosanne

An Actual Conversation That Took Place

2011-07-27T12:26:00.000-06:00

This was the way I had planned to announce the pregnancy on the blog. I found it in the archives, and thought it was too clever to pass up. Enjoy!

Thought sound bits might make it be more realistic.

Rosanne:

Chris :

Rosanne:

Chris: !

Rosanne: . !

Chris: . ??

Rosanne: ?!?

Note: Only the words have been changed. Some of them, anyway.

At Least I Don't Have A Flesh Eating Disease

2011-07-23T07:14:00.002-06:00

Because what do you do when your protective organ fails and you're stuck with innards exposed to the imminent death lurking in the bacteria in the...air? HOW DID TWO FACE DO IT????

No picture today. You can imagine that one all on your own.

The Case of the Asexual Watermelon

2011-07-20T08:46:00.005-06:00

Let it be known henceforth that I. Love. Watermelon.

Summer has barely been in full swing for two weeks and I think I have eaten four. By myself. That's whole watermelons. It's like bloody candy for me, and I could be wrong, but I think there are worse addictions out there.

So it's no surprise that I don't even have to ask Chris anymore I'd like him to pick up one for me when he goes to the store. (This was a day or so after the surgery, so I was going nowhere near the grocery store, or obviously I'd be the one doing the shopping. It's my duty.) He left it on the counter, and I waited for my appetite to return to normal to start digging in.

But, what's this? Suddenly, we find, not one, but two (2) watermelons crowding our shelves. Watermelons, I mean, they're big melons, see? Hard to miss. So, how'd we miss that there was an extra one on our shelves? We tried to remember everyone who had come to visit, and what they had brought with them, and how in Hades we had missed a large fruit being placed on our shelves! This stuff is like gold - you pay attention!

Well, we decided to just accept that there is obviously a God, for someone to be bestowing such gifts on us without our notice must have been nothing short of divine. We cut up the first one, and let the rest sit in our fridge, as its offspring sat on our kitchen table.

A day or so later, my friend Liz stopped by, and during our casual conversation, she saw the watermelon and said, "Oh, is that the watermelon I dropped by the other day?"

"Wait - what? When did you bring that by?" I clearly remember being conscious every time she's entered my apartment in the last week.

"Remember after I spent the night at your house 'cause I was babysitting you, and I left my toothbrush, and came in to pick it up when you guys were in the shower? I yelled and told you I was here, then quickly left?"

(This is the second time she's walked into our apartment when we've been in the shower. No joke. HOWEVER, showering together not only saves us on hot water, but I was still unable to

hold myself upright for more than 37.3 seconds. Don't be dirty.)

"Shut UP! You brought it in then?!?! Seriously???" I honestly couldn't believe it had been so simple.

"Yeah! I left it by the camera lens cap I needed to return! I thought you'd figure it out!"

I was baffled. The case was solved, and I can't lie, I was a little disappointed that Gabriel himself hadn't strutted into our kitchen and placed it on our table when we were turned the other way.

So, Liz, I guess to keep myself entertained, I'm going to have to tell myself that you were, in fact a heavenly messenger. Which means I still have your toothbrush.

Geico and Insurance

2011-07-18T21:10:00.001-06:00

This one time, I was checking in at a doctor's appointment (shocker!), and for a long time before that, I hadn't had my insurance card - I did once, lost it, then, FINALLY at this appointment I had it again!

I expected the question, but I butted in before they could say anything and said, "Hey guys! I have really great news!"

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"....I saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico!"

It seemed so dull to preface such an exciting announcement, i.e. bringing my insurance card...wait, no. That's not exciting.

I obviously needed to spice things up.

I was simply learning from the master. Like when Michael Scott told the branch that everyone got $1000. He was lying, but for that moment, he had them.

I was simply captivating my audience.

"It's you to a T, my beauty. My amazin'."

2011-07-15T00:12:00.002-06:00

Chris and I lay in my hospital bed because I'm in a lot of pain and I wanted some consolation, and I can't imagine that the recliner is too much of a relief for him.

So I ask Chris, Will you please scratch my back? And tell me a story and/or sing me a song?

He consented, and began a song with lyrics he must have made up to a tune I'd never heard. It was something about beards and how friends think he's weird for having one and who knows what else because my memory can't be trusted nowadays. But he says he was going to work in that it's ok that his friends don't like it because I do.

The nurse interrupted us, and while she was checking my vitals, Chris looked up lyrics to a song he says describes how he feels about me. He starts singing a capella Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are," and because I've been holding in my emotions for a few days I start bawling on the spot.

He's right, too. I don't believe him when he compliments me, or when he tells me he wouldn't change a thing about me. I'm not quite as kind. And I may not hate my laugh, but he finds it sexier than I do.

We get to the lyric, "her hair, her hair, falls perfectly, without her trying," and amidst my sobs, I laugh and say, "That line is going to have a whole new meaning in the next few weeks," referring, of course, to me losing my hair from the chemo.

I return the favor, and we listen to Josh Turner's, "I Wouldn't Be A Man," which reminds me of him perfectly. And I can never resist his seee....sssseeeeeee.......eeeee...xxxxxxxxx.....yyy....yyyyyy.......yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy........

(Sorry. I just melted.)

*cough* His sexy bass. I literally shiver when he goes deep. (That's what she said) So we listen, then the related videos of Josh Turner and we get to "Why Don't We Just Dance," and Chris shimmies and shakes and asks if I want to dance, to which I of course reply, "no," because I have tubes hooked up my wazoo and I can't barely get up to pee, and then I remember that I have the bed controls, so I say, "ok," and start moving the head and the legs of the bed up and down, so we are, in effect, dancing. He got a real kick out of that, and couldn't stop laughing for quite a while.

I really am the funniest person I know.

He really does tell me I'm beautiful every day.

PS that beautiful lady at the top is my good friend Sarah Clark. She is a fabulous model and an extraordinary person

Grandma's Firewater

2011-07-12T23:27:00.002-06:00

I have to get more CT/MRI scans tomorrow.

They're going to make me drink the Devil's Juice again.

I don't mean to be dramatic*, but....

This might be my last blog post.

I don't know if I can survive that again.

*I'm being ironic. Of course I meant to be dramatic.

Why I need to vote for Mr. Huntsman

2011-07-11T23:40:00.002-06:00

So. Presidential elections are coming. In 16 months. Which means everyone who wants to run has to announce that they're going to announce that they're going to run.

Recently, Jon Huntsman decided that he would love to be a part of some of that action - I mean, who wouldn't? Well, as some of you know, recently I stayed a couple nights at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital during and after my surgery, and wouldn't you know it? I stayed in the very room that Jon Huntsman himself donated to the hospital! I don't think it makes THAT much of a difference, if it's all daddy's money in the end, but STILL.

Therefore, Jon Huntsman, Jr. (almost) cured me of my (almost) cancer. I would be ungrateful not to vote for him.

Why I'm Basically Postpartum

2011-07-08T16:00:00.000-06:00

My HCG levels went up post-surgery, and we're going to try another chemo - a mix of 5, to be exact - before we jump into another surgery. Hooray!

This post is TMI. You have been warned.

These are the reasons I'm pretty much postpartum, at least from what I hear from talking to mothers.

I was in the hospital for 2 days
My privates were cut open, just like a c-section.
I can't drive for two weeks
I can't lift anything over 10 lbs for two weeks
I will be "normal" in 6
I have to take stool softener
I am bleeding like crazy, and it's not my period
They took stuff out of my uterus
Peeing hurts sometimes
My abs are shot
Nothing in my va-jay-jay for six weeks

Now WHERE THE HELL IS MY F*%&ING BABY?!?!?!?!?!

How have I not mentioned how funny I am?

2011-07-05T23:23:00.000-06:00

Listen. I know literally all my posts lately are about medical things. And it gets boring.

But it's literally all. I. do.

It really is like having a baby, in that it takes up a ton of your time, thought energy -

but I'm ahead of myself. This is about funny chemo!!!!

I should start out by saying that I have a red birth mark the size of Texas on my right leg. It's impossible to miss if you see me in anything shorter than pants. Whenever people ask about it, I generally tell them the truth, but when I'm feeling particularly adventurous, I tell them it's from a burn when I was younger, or I pretend like I've never seen it before, and they freak out, and I'm a horrible liar so then I tell them the truth and we all have a good laugh.

Ok, so for my first infusion appointment - when they changed from my first drug to my second drug, and I had to sit there and they pushed the chemo into an IV - the nurse was getting my medical history as far as the cancer was concerned, and she asked about any radiation I've had since the cancer started.

"So, what about any rashes since you've started radiation? Have those been bad? Are they gone?"

As I was telling her I hadn't done any radiation, a better idea came into my mind.

"You mean, something like this?" And I pulled up the blanket covering my leg.

I cannot fully express the joy that I felt as I watched her face go from confusion, to shock, to horror, to more confusion as I started laughing. And laughing.

It's little things like that that make me happy.

What do I do?

2011-07-03T15:39:00.002-06:00

But what I want now is advice from any of you who have had c-sections. That's pretty much what I went through, and I'm almost completely post-partum, without the baby. I can't really walk on my own, I'm not allowed to lift anything over 10 lbs for two weeks, no driving for at least two weeks - longer if I'm still on meds - and I'm sorry if this is TMI but I am bleeding worse than a period - guys I seriously just gave birth. To a tumor. (We went with Penelope.)

But now, because of the extent of the surgery/damage, I will have to have c-sections for all my babies. It's something about the chances of rupturing, and if you've had a c-sec before, your chances of rupturing during labor next time are less than 1%. If you've had something like more than one c-sec, your chances are 1-5%, and if you've had some of your uterus extracted and therefore shrunk, such as in the case of Yours Truly, the chances of your uterus rupturing in another labor are more than 5%.

So. There's no way we're taking that chance, and I trust the doctors, and I can't say that I'm....disappointed by this development, per se, but I will say that it's a trip higher than Percocet to think that something's going to be one way your whole life - say, that you'll have your hoo-ha ripped open by multiple babies, you gear yourself up, try to find the positives - then, suddenly, someone tells you that's never ever an option, but instead they're going to slice your abs apart, staple you back together and call it good.

That entire paragraph was one sentence.

So any advice you have is appreciated. 'Cause this is gonna take some getting used to, and some prepping in a whole other way.

PS Is that not the creepiest painting you've ever seen? I couldn't not use it. The star is from me. For propriety.

Breaking News: Hospitals aren't always bad!

2011-07-01T20:46:00.008-06:00

Doctor's appt today: test results were inconclusive. We'll see what happens next week!

Remember when I said that if you get cancer, you should do it in Utah? The sole reason for this is because of the Huntsman Cancer Institute, part of the complex of hospitals that belong to the University of Utah Medical School, and was made possible by Jon Huntsman, Sr. - not the man now running for president oh-twelve.

This place is the business. They take care of their own. If you are an outpatient, the nurses are friendly and fun, and the doctors are informative and considerate. Even if they give me crap for going to their rival school.

The real fun is if you get inpatient care. Man, if you're lucky enough to get surgery for your condition, they pull out all the stops. First, you get a whole room to yourself, in a hospital that is probably teeming with people in need. They don't downsize just to make more room for more patients, ergo more money. Every room has a big screen TV, a nice view (it's hard not to when they're on top of a mountain), a pull out loveseat, virtually no limits on visiting hours, and a list of movies that you can order from at any time of the day. To watch on your big screen TV.

Also, did I mention the food? The first thing I asked about when I knew I'd be staying there for more than a day was how the food was. They have a bistro on the 6th floor we'd been to quite a few times, and it was delish. The nurse said the hospital food was better.

"How is it done?" I asked.

She said they call in from local restaurants. They bring in food from chefs around town, and they give as much of it to the patients as they want!

It was all awesome.

You should try it. NO! Scratch that. Don't try it.

But if you have to, try to find a place that is as good to you as mine was. You need love in a time like that.

How Insensitive

2011-06-30T01:59:00.005-06:00

Ok, I'm sorry. I realize that to announce a surgery and then completely disregard it in my following post was a little rude. I didn't mean it. I just figured that since I already talk about it so much, the vibes were getting sent through the airwaves and on to y'all...no? Ok. Well, sorry.

The surgery ended up being rescheduled to Friday, because they were going to try to cut me open from the inside through something, and an ultrasound was involved and another specialist doctor....well they couldn't do it Tuesday, and so Friday, we got up at 4:30 AM, packed according to the numerous instructions about what to/not to bring. And wouldn't you know it, when we walked into the reception area at 5:50 AM, I realized I had forgotten my insurance card. After being told about 400 times that I needed that and an ID. Talk about losing it. Luckily, by this time, about every office in the hospital had my info, so it wasn't a big deal until I realized I couldn't leave the hospital with the painkillers without the card. I sent someone to break into my house and bring it up, so THANK GOODNESS for good friends and extra keys.

Then another surprise came, it was like my birthday all weekend! They reverted to doing the original surgery they had scheduled in the first place. SURPRISE! We just wanted to leave you hanging for 4 days and nothing to do, just to be dandy. Their reasons were valid (too many blood vessels in the area, they want to be able to resolve any problems quickly, yatta yatta yatta), but we were a little irked nonetheless. But I should be positive, so - no worries, it just ended up meaning that Chris missed less work, and that's a blessing, ya?

As far as they know so far, the surgery went well. All I remember is that wonderful doctor putting me under (I love the feel of being anesthetized), then waking up periodically and saying "It hurts!! It hurts!!" And scratching my face a lot. And the nurses saying that everyone was scratching their face a lot. Who knew it made you itchy?

I have a doctor's appointment Friday; they'll take my blood levels and take out my staples and see how I'm doing overall, and we'll know if the procedure worked the way it was supposed to. I promise I'll update then.

Still to come:

Why I now am obligated to vote for Jon Huntsman for president

The Fear of more birth (fake babies may be involved)

Why, if you get cancer, you need to get it in Utah

and much, much more!

Shouldn't Chemo = Weight Loss?

2011-06-28T15:12:00.002-06:00

My friend Liz and I went on a gym date, and I told her I wanted to weigh myself, because I think the treatments are making me lose weight.

She stepped on the scale first, and when the number stopped, she held out three fingers to me.

"Three pounds lost??" I asked.

"Yep!!!" She was so excited.

Well, now it was my turn, snitches. And I'm all thinking that was a good omen, but when I step on and show HER the number 3, I have to say "Gained!" to clarify.

I mean, COME ON! It's almost like chemo isn't good for you!

If I can’t trust that, what can I trust???

Surgery Tuesday

2011-06-16T22:24:00.008-06:00

I am getting surgery on Tuesday, and literally all I care about is that I am done with that mothertrucking chemo!! I made the doctor say those words to me, and I haven't felt so light in a long time.

I had to go to the doctor (surprise, surprise) because my side effects have been pretty bad, when really they should be non-existent. They ordered a CT scan, and I got to drink watered down chalk to contrast my insides. No seriously. Like two 20-oz bottles of it. Chris had to almost force it down my throat, and I threw up 3 times while taking it because I was already nauseous. So I asked Mr. Receptionist if there was ANY other way.

"Uh-huh, but you're not gonna want to do it. Trust me."

No, sir. You trust me. If you make me drink this, I will aim my next upchuck at your face. Would you like to accept?

But then the fun part, when the put in an IV and flushed in something that heated up everything up and down my spine. It totally made me feel like I was peeing myself, and I didn't even have to feel guilty, 'cause I hadn't done it! What a great day.

Then to the Good Doc, and he said they found a penny sized tumor that we'll be removing on Tuesday. Option #2 was a hysterectomy. Um, doctor, I'm 24. Guess if I want one of those.

AND I got to have an MRI! It's one of those giant tubes, and I got to listen to Pandora and relax the whole time. Plus, the noise from the machine accentuated my music, so I was listening to the remixed version of "Stand By Me," which spiced things up.

We've calculated that I would now be at the beginning of month 7 of my pregnancy, so if you think about it, I'm just getting an early C-section to take out the "baby," and now all we need is a name! Chris's vote is for Penelope because the tumor is penny-sized. What do you think we should name the ~~baby~~ tumor?

Just out of curiosity, would you rather have surgery or chemotherapy?

You guys know what a Slap Chop is?

2011-06-11T02:11:00.007-06:00

Oh, there it is. In all its food-chopping beauty! Technically, this is a Pampered Chef Food Chopper, but I'm gonna call it a Slap Chop for convenience's (and humor's) sake. The PC one is classier (and it's the one I own, therefore the one I think of), but the Slap Chop is easier to say, and has a sweet commercial.

I've been thinking about the Slap Chop today because I think someone took one to my abdomen, watched the ad for the food chopper, and tried to think of all the things they could dice inside of me. And....Action! And I'm thinkin....that's gotta stop. Preferably, before my stomach turns into a mushy pulp. First of all, it's not part of the intended use of the Slap Chop; second of all, I can think of a bunch of other ways the Slap Chop can be used more easily and efficiently. Let's list them.

You know how breakfast food is already delicious? Mmm, some fresh orange juice, bacon, and some fluffy chocolate chip pancakes. I think it's vital to add chocolate to anything you possibly can. Wait! Also add: Slap chop, strawberries and whipped cream, and Voila! You have the most delicious breakfast ever. Added bonus, the Slap Chop in this instance helps you feel better, not shredded.
My sister-in-law taught me how to make the most delicious salsa in the world. Ask anyone who's tried it. It has beans, tomatoes, onions, olive oil, and anything else that can make you gassy. It's worth every.....fluff. But my favorite part is the cilantro! So how do you get the cilantro small enough, you ask? Put it in the Slap Chop, of course! Yet again, you have delicious food IN your tummy, not threatening to come OUT of your tummy.
Let's not forget about old pictures from my awkward phase of teenagerdom, where my unkepmt hair - never would I ever have guessed I'd be a hairstylist - huge glasses and hand-me-down clothes were in their full glory. (Oops, almost wrote "gory." Same thing.) The only thing missing were the braces. And the fact that....what? You haven't seen them? Oh, I remember. I put them all in the Slap Chop and cut them to shreds. Then burned them. Your eyes can go ahead and thank me.
Let's play If I Were Tangible, and add to the mix my boss's ideas of how to treat employees, and switch it with, say, Willy Wonka's. You mean, I get to live in a candyland, eat all the chocolate I want AND sing songs all day? No. Duh.
Ooooh! I have another one. The Slap Chop could be used to take my dinner, chop it up small enough to feed my baby who, in a year, would have been old enough to eat foods of this nature.

"Onions, with the skin. Alright? This is making you cry, it's making me cry. Life's hard enough as it is. You don't want to cry anymore." -The Slap Chop Guy

Well said, Vince. Well said.

What other uses can you think of?

What's a proper thank you for a really generous person?

2011-06-08T23:44:00.007-06:00

How do you adequately thank someone who just saved you $600 in medical bills, just 'cause she's never heard of a case as bad as yours in the hundreds of molar pregnancies she's dealt with?

I'm super bad at writing thank yous, and even worse at sending them when I do write them. I just prefer to show my gratitude in paying it back through friendship somehow. But this lady, I might never see again. So brainstorm with me.

I should also say, that with everything that's been happening, yeah it's been hard, but I keep saying that so long as everything's taken care of financially, I don't even care what else happens.

....looks like I have another reason to be truly grateful tonight.

*Hint on gift ideas: She has a prosthetic foot. Maybe I could get her some nail polish?

What to do when: a friend has the misfortune of going through chemotherapy

2011-06-06T00:31:00.005-06:00

In my last post, I mentioned that now I have a better understanding of how to deal with chemotherapy, and some of you asked what they can do if they have a friend going through the same thing. I should say first that these are all specific to me. While some of them can be transposed, I just want to make sure that if you try this on a friend of yours and she throws you off a cliff for it (and if she is that strong with cancer, YOU GO GIRL!), just….don’t let it come back to me.

That being said, this is not me asking for a handout. Most of these are things that someone has already helped me with, and things I am thinking theoretically, not trying to hint at for everyone to start doing this for me. I’m being very well taken care of J But I’m always accepting chocolate.

“Chemotherapy” is basically synonymous with “constant nausea.” If you can, find out what foods help with chemo specifically, and bring some over. Popular choices are: popsicles (something about chemo sickness beginning with the roof of your mouth – the cold numbs it, and it seriously works), ginger ale, sour patch kids, jolly ranchers, as well as any food you know they like anyway. ‘Cause when the nausea goes away, they are going to be on that like a rainbow on Skittles.

If you know they’ll have some time off and to themselves, maybe offer to stop by with an activity or treat or something. Then, they can feel like you want to see them; they know they can tell you “no” if it’s not a huge thing and they want to be alone; it gives you something to do instead of asking them how they are feeling. It’s a win-win-win situation!

Just be honest. If you don’t know what to say or what to do, tell them that. Then you’re not trying to fake anything but still suggesting that you’re open to help however you can, and they can choose how they want you too! Lots of times it’s just friendship.

Drop by their house, work, etc, even just to say hi for a few minutes. This would be great for all friendships, but especially for those going through so much pain.

Also, if you can get them talking, just listen. It’s easy to feel alone, especially when none of your friends have gone through something like this. Let them express themselves and really try to just understand what they’re saying and possibly going through. I personally just want to feel validated and know that people don’t think I’m just a big whiner and faker. Which, if you read my last few consecutive posts, that’s exactly how I sound. It’s the chemo talking?

When they start losing their hair, I think it’s only fair that their best friends, close family, church leaders, professors, doctors, children, pets and ESPECIALLY their enemies should also have to shave their heads. It’s the only fair thing to do. Wouldn’t you agree, Alison?

My Oncologist is a dirty liar

2011-05-31T22:44:00.010-06:00

Pppppfffffffffffffffffffbbbbbbttttttt.

That's exactly how I feel.

'Cause my HCG levels went up, so my body is becoming resistant to the methotrexate which means we had to switch my treatment to something called adh gaoweoif...ok wait. I think I got that wrong. It's...wag8a;kjnapc. Yes, that's an 8. It's in there somewhere....no? Ok ok I think I remembered. Actinomycin-d/dactinomycin. Looks just as suspect, huh? I don't think it's a word either, probably because they accidentally left they "ay" off when they made the word into Pig-Latin. Come on, guys. It's-hay e-thay easiest-hay of-hay e-thay anguages-lay o-tay emember-ray.

So I get to sit there with a vein in my arm for 45 minutes, and 30 of those I will not even complain about because they're just stuffing me full of anti-nausea meds. Someone needs to call the guy who invented those and give him a gold star. Those things are ah-may-zing. But the other 15? I can't even talk about in person because I get too nauseous. BUT the doctor said (shouldn't he be right??!!) this drug would have little/no side effects, so it's really no big deal.

Of course I challenge him, because I still don't fully understand that he is there to help me, not just to heckle us for cheering for his rival college. Dude - not my problem Mr. Huntsman decided to donate to the U instead of the Y. I'm just here for the chemo. I reminded him that he said the other stuff wasn't supposed to have side effects either. That obviously didn't work, so I just expected to have the same side effects, only more intense since this stuff is stronger. And, it happened just like that. Saturday I was sick all day in bed, and it ever so slightly lessens up as the days go on. But this one's every two weeks, so I better count my blessings.

Oh, what's that? I might lose some of my hair? To be frank, I looked up his salary the night before because I found out it was posted online (who doesn't want to know how much their doctor makes?), and while I didn't mention that, I did tell him that if I lost my hair, he was personally buying me a wig.

Did I mention he's almost completely bald on top? "Well, you don't see me complaining!" he replies.

Dang it, Doc. You got me there.

I will say the one thing I am somewhat sad about, is that now that I know what this is like (a big hell-hole, if you can't read between the lines. No, just read the lines. Pretty sure I've said it more than once), I wish I had understood how to help my dad when he was going through chemo. I have some friends who are being so fabulous to me right now, I actually cried when one of them dropped off anti-nausea foods to me the other day. I know I wasn't that good to my dad when he had to deal with all this, but maybe I can pay it forward to someone in the future.

So long as it's not my child. Or my husband. At-thay ould-way uck-say. Igtime-bay.

I believe....in crying a lot

2011-05-25T01:43:00.013-06:00

Life lately has been a big bashibbaba storm, to say the least. I've been confused about lots of things, and it just got to the point where thoughts were so muddled in my mind about what I even believed anymore that I had to get it on paper. I started writing, then crying, and suddenly

four pages later, Chris got home, and the floodgates opened. I tried to make it uniform and pretty, starting almost every line with, "I believe..." but a lot of it ended kinda ugly. I was writing my belief statements on everything - food, religion, music, relationships, God, you name it. It was liberating and frightening, to say the least. I live in an area where it's super easy to get caught up in what everybody else thinks, and easy to forget what you, as an individual, think. I tried to condense things, so instead of saying something too specific, like, "Adam Levine is one of the sexiest musicians of our time and can make anything feel better" (don't even try to deny it), I wrote, "I believe music can cure almost anything, and being that way, it should be open to all who wish to try."

That was one of the tame ones. Most of them were controversial and on some sliding scale of heresy. I wrote these out, knowing that I'd have to share it as a form of therapy, and knowing it would probably be with Chris. I only edited one of them, and it wasn't even the worst one. I knew some of them, he wasn't going to like. I knew most of them, God wasn't going to like, but I figured he already knew anyway, so what's the point in pretending to hide it?

I'm tired of feeling like everyone should be put in a box and expected to stay there all the bloody time. I'm tired of going to church and being asked the same questions over and over, with the same answers and no one being honest about how they feel. Maybe one day I should just get up and say, "I believe God is only merciful when it suits him," and see what people do.

Life is about trying to live and grow, not to fit into some kind of mold that you or others think you should move around. I hate that I feel that way. Maybe others don't and I'm the crazy one. But I don't think it's right that everyone is expected to put on a face all the time, to answer the, "How are you?" question with the too-common, "Fine, you?" You're more than likely not simply "fine."

So I ask this completely seriously, because I don't know. Please, anyone who reads this (I'm talking to you, my lone reader in Qatar. You too, Malta.), answer if

you have a minute. What is wrong with us sharing our feelings, our real thoughts, with those around us? Friends, lovers, co-workers, family, whoever. Someone who isn't necessarily your BFFFFFFFEE + 1. Why is there a stigma with opening up, or with being honest? I'm thinking maybe it's because we're scared of being rejected? Lots of actions tend to boil down to that. But I'm honestly interested. And a little scared to post this because...I'm afraid of a bad reaction. Of negativity, or changed perceptions of who I am. Ah, well. Guess that'd come eventually anyway, if I continue trying to be honest. So, am I sharing too much of my life online because I'm starved for attention, or because I want to stir the pot, or because I really want to express my opinions in an open way? Probably all three. But why do we hold back our true thoughts and feelings, in any given situation? And where do you draw the line? And am I the only person who feels this way? Feel free to answer anonymously, angrily, excitedly, passionately...but above all, be honest. Thanks!

PS It should go without saying - but just in case - that exceptions to this are when you'll unnecessarily hurt someone else.

Warning: This post contains mild profanity and extreme, but edited, profanity

2011-05-16T13:04:00.008-06:00

I'm pretty sure half the reason we get married is to have someone to keep us in check. I'm also sure that you know you've spent too much time on Facebook when you try to start your blog posts by ending a sentence that starts out with your name. Huh?

Anyway, last week was the sh*#s. I've been on methotrexate shots - in my bum, it is so pleasant - for the last 10 weeks, and it seems like there's barely any improvement. Chris is ever positive, at least on the outside, to cancel me out, but I'm tough to crack because I'm bitter that he hasn't been the one having to roll over and get stuck in the ass every week, followed by losing his appetite and ability to stay awake for the next 18 hours. I know, I'm a bad person. He HAS been to every shot he possibly can, which helps a bajillion. (A bajillion what? I have no idea.) The doc at the beginning of this never-ending story said this would take, average, 6-8 weeks, and it's been 10. Then the other doctor had to recap what a bell curve looks like. Thanks, doc. I took stats already. Still having night terrors. Then, my HCG levels went up. Significantly. If you haven't been following my post "pregnancy" saga, this is BAD NEWS BEARS. My goodness, now this chemo isn't working? What the hell?

They called us from the hospital to tell us the bad news, and by then I was on my way to bed. Literally, two steps away from blissful naptime. If there's a surefire way to piss me off, it's cutting off my direct path to sleep. I'm still not sure why I want to be a mom so badly, for this reason alone. "You'll need to come back up," they said. "These levels are too high to ignore," they said. "We need to do another, different treatment, today," they said. "Mother%!#*&$" I said. An hour later, the receptionist is wondering why we're back, the phlebotamy lab smell is making me sick, and I go to sit on a table so that my doctor and his 3 residents tell me, "Let's wait this out one more week. We'll see what happens then. But your body is definitely doing something weird."

Oh, you mean like the time that it was supposed to make a fetus but instead made me cancer? They're not calling it that, but it's growths where they're not supposed to be, and I'm being treated with chemo. If it looks like a duck and quacks like one.... Or when it was supposed to reject all the leftover tissue after not one, but two surgeries? And now, after 800mg of chemo that's designed to kill it, it still isn't doing anything?

I was frustrated. By this point, it was never going to end. In my mind, 10 years down the road, I was going to be going to the same hospital with my 3 adopted kids, still getting these shots.

Enter my husband. My ever-loving, kind, eternally patient husband, who gives me a figurative slap upside the head. He tells me, "don't you remember when the doctor told you explicitly that this is 100% curable? Not 99, or 98, but one hundred percent. You don't have a choice. You ARE going to beat this. And this WILL end. There is nothing you can do about it. Soon, your body will be healed, and you won't ever have to worry about this again. So you might as well be positive about it, because it can't hurt anything, and you're not helping yourself the way things are."

Can't you just let me be pissed?!?!?! No? Oh, because I've been a self-absorbed B@#^& the last three months? Are you getting sick of me? I guess I can't blame him. I'd have been done with him a looooong time ago.

So I thought about this for a bit, knowing deep, deep, deep....deep, deep down that he was right. But I couldn't say it yet, so instead, I said, "After I say this, I don't want you to say anything. I needed to hear that. BUT. It doesn't mean I'm going to be happy about this from now on, or that I should be expected to right away. But I'm glad you said something."

It was all I could do not to take it back, but Chris respected me and immediately started talking about something else.

SO. Positive things. 1)The doctor asked me if I needed any pills. Nausea, sleeping aids, etc. I'm not normally one to accept meds on the fly but oh my gosh I can't even eat normally anymore, and I obviously can't suffer in silence. I begged for nausea meds, and he wrote me some up right away. Score! 2)The nurse who made us come back gave is $16 to the delicious hospital restaurant. Not a complete tank of gas, but close enough. 3)We have the technology to cure this. 30 years ago, this literally would have killed me. 4)The doctors and nurses are concerned about me, and doing everything they can to make sure they don't go too drastic. I like that. 5)Family and friends have been incredibly supportive, which means the world to me.It really does, and if you're one of them, or any member of my family - thank you. From every part of my heart.

But so help me Oden, if I have to shave my head.......positivepositivepositive. Ok. At least it's summer, and will help me cool down. And I'll match all my baby friends.

And I know this seems a lot TMI for the internets but I am sick of hearing about the metaphorical pastor's wife who got cancer and was soooo positive the whole time. Uuuhhhhh she's lying. I want to be relatable. And reinforce that I'm not perfect. Just so you know. I know. I fooled myself for a while.

Bicycle! Bicycle!

2011-05-15T21:44:00.006-06:00

Cue the Queen song that always comes to mind when I say the word "Bicycle," which then makes me think of "Fat-Bottomed Girls," which then makes me smile.

Chris and I went on a bike ride yesterday, and may I say it was THE perfect weather for a ride. We took some lemon juice to a friend making artichokes, and took the long way back. It was supposed to be leisurely, and Chris thought it would be a good idea to ride the ramp up to campus. Uh, are you kidding me, honey?? That is an automatic negative, as the ramp is at a 45 degree incline. This was supposed to be a leisurely ride. On a Sunday. Totally not worth it to work that hard on the Sabbath....for nothing. Also, I'm weak. What?

"But it will be so leisurely on the way down!!" It made no difference. There was nooooooo way.

So I led the way home, a nice breeze through the streets. And Chris was behind me, and said, "I really like it when you ride in front."

"Why is that?"

"Then I get to look at your bum all the way home."

I can't believe I didn't see that coming. You think these things might end in the honeymoon, the first year of marriage, but by now, I'm starting to see that once a man, always a man. We will be in front of our great-grandchildren, and Chris will hit on me that will make my next of kin blush.

Secretly, (don't tell him) I'm super flattered.

It ain't Rocket Surgery

2011-05-07T18:51:00.006-06:00

Imaginiff is a group game where you choose the person who most likely fits the description on the card.

Last night, one of the cards was, "Which player would most likely be a laughing hyena?"

You don't need to know who the other players were to know who won that one.

Edit: Neither KJ nor Baby Josh were involved in the game.

Road rage

2011-05-04T23:58:00.005-06:00

Two years ago, I was at fault in a car accident in town where I tried the beat the yellow light to turn left. As I was turning, the car in the other lane coming towards me had the same idea. It resulted in my very first accident, shown here:

I was in the little car, and I was OK, and the people in the Jeep were even more OK. Even though this happened two years ago, I rarely drive through that intersection without thinking about the accident, and you better believe I am infinitely more careful in my left turns, especially at 7th north and 9th east.

Now, earlier today I drove that same course, and I felt edgy because I knew I had to turn left here. I hate it because this entire section of road has no left arrows, so turning is always tricky. Well, the light turned yellow, and I decided to wait this cycle out and try next time. I was too nervous, there were cars that were close coming the other way and could have tried - it wasn't worth the risk. The last time sure wasn't.

And then you know what happened? The man in the truck behind me honked and I looked back just in time to see him throwing his hands in the air and giving me dirty looks. I was afraid to keep watching because I was afraid he was going to bring out the bird, and of all things that hurt my feelings, people flipping me off while driving is one of them. I'd like to note that it is mainly while driving that I hate this, and I think part of it is because I have no way to defend myself.

And that was the problem today. This man had no idea what I had been through, and while it wasn't earth shattering, it did bend my reality just a little bit, to the point where - yes, I'm willing to wait an extra two minutes for another green light if it means I'm guaranteed not to cause another wreck.

After the light turned green, I pulled up into the intersection, and the man drove around me to go straight, honking all the while. And all I could think was, "This man's next 15 minutes, at least, are ruined because - because of what? Nothing." At least, when I get REALLY mad at someone's driving I'm mad for that long....sometimes I have a temper? But a while back, I heard a story of someone becoming upset because an "irresponsible" driver was weaving in and out of freeway traffic as fast as he could, which is inherently dangerous, amiright? Suddenly, the driver got the distinct impression that the man driving the car was trying to get to his wife in the hospital after a life-threatening scenario. Now, if you're a person who believes in promptings like that, then that one in particular is significant. I feel like, so often in driving, it is so easy for us to judge whoever is next to us, because without them being there to defend themselves, we will always, in our minds, be right and justified.

It's an attitude that easily carries over to other aspects of our lives, and it just seems like life would be less frustrating if we would give each other the benefit of the doubt and allow people their faults. I know I have mine, and when I'm not even given the chance to defend my honor, it hurts - it's like I wasn't given that opportunity. I also think it's because we cannot be held responsible for our reactions. Who will ever know we were hateful to another while driving?

Well, I certainly didn't mean for that to be so passionate. It's something I'm working on as well. Road rage is super easy to get involved in, especially here. But, if we're another minute or two late, what does it matter? Is it worth showing a neighbor, a brother or sister, complete disrespect that seems so right to us in the heat of the moment, but could ruin their entire day? Just something to consider.

Free your mind

2011-04-27T00:15:00.003-06:00

I've started a part part semi time job at the hair school I used to go to, and for an Energizer at the teacher's meeting before work, we were given 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. I will answer some now for you:

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

Definitely 4 because I can do things somewhat on my own but I loooooove my naptime!

If happiness were the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

In order of preference: motherhood, family therapy and doing hair.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Definitely settling. Babies don't come free....unless you're on Medicaid.

When all is said and done, will you have said more than you've done?

Honestly? Probably not. I talk a lot and I can be pretty lazy. Definitely something to...do something about.

More to come. Maybe

Hawaii!

2011-03-30T21:26:00.003-06:00

This one time, I went to a tropical paradise and got out of the cold and spent time with some great people for a whole week! I have some pictures, if you'd like to see my favorites:

Oh, does that hurt baby? I'm sorry. :(

Swimming in some kick-a coral and with some turtles!

We are hilarious. Mostly me.

Tidal pools that were super powerful. and pretty

Hawaii is so awesome, the airport doesn't need any kind of windows or doors. You just walk right in. (well there's still security duh. and they didn't let me take my cantaloupe pieces on the plane. dislike)

Those weren't really my favorites but I do like them. If you'd like to see more check out my Facebook. You know my name....slim shady.

love!

I wanted a baby, but I got Chemo instead

2011-03-02T23:53:00.009-07:00

Not the bad, make-your-hair-fall-out chemo, but the kind where when you get a shot, they have to use 75 "Hazardous Material" waste bags and a gown over their gown and three gloves to make sure everything is sanitary and doesn't go somewhere it shouldn't. I know it's all precaution, but it's a little intimidating to see all that equipment piled up in order to keep the giver safe.

But what keeps me safe? Today, it was the nurse who let me cut off the circulation from her hand and cover my eyes so I didn't have to watch the shot happen. I had never feared needles, but over the last two years, my fear has grown with each shot and blood draw.

Yesterday, my husband kept me safe from the thoughts of fear I couldn't shake. He is much better to me than I deserve.

After my post on Baby Loss, I went back to the ER twice due to too much bleeding. Every Thursday for 3 weeks, I got to know the good doctors and nurses at the local hospital. Man, do they know how to party! I do too, apparently, 'cause I couldn't stay away. The first time I went back, the bleeding died down and I was sent home to see if anything happened. They wanted to prevent doing another D&C if they didn't have to; it can cause scarring on the uterus which can lead to infertility. The week after that - on Groundhog Day - I started bleeding so badly that I was passing clots and having full-on contractions, with certain time periods in between and everything. There was no doubt something had to be done. Another D&C, just another day.

Although this new procedure put me out of even more work, pushed my next date with the gym three more weeks and made me bedridden for another couple days, I was glad for it - we were done! All the tissue that was left from my pregnancy was gone and I could finally start the road to recovery.

But my body had different plans for me. The tissue inside my uterus, no matter how small, will grow and grow and with that, my body will sense a presence where babies are and produce the HCG hormone. As long as there is something there, I will climb exponentially in these hormone levels - that's how they tell if anything's still there.

Well, wouldn't you know it - there's still something left.

My doctor thought it might be something growing outside my uterus, and if that happens, it spreads easily to your lungs, causing cancer and sometimes death. I swear that warning is even on Tylenol bottles. I had to have an oncology appointment (if you're not well versed in Greek, that's a cancer doctor). For days, I literally feared for my life. But God is gracious and good, and I am currently free of growths where they should not be. However, there is no doubt of something still growing, so they opted to do a low dose of chemo called methotrexate. It comes in shot form and makes me extremely tired about 4-5 hours afterward, but other than that hasn't shown me any side effects yet.

The bad news: I tell a friend what's going on and as soon as the word "chemo" slips out, all hell breaks loose. It did for me at first, too; but I almost had cancer at 24, so this ain't nothin'.

The good news: The good cancer doc let it slip that once my HCG levels are back to zero, there is no possibility whatsoever of them coming back up. Until this point, I had been told that I must wait to "try again," because what-if-the-hormone-comes-back-up-then-you-will-still-have-tissue-and-if-you-get-pregnant-you-will-need-to-have-an-abortion-and-another-D&C. But this information, this changed everything. This gave me HOPE. Hope that I can, sooner than I thought, work for what I have been working for my whole life, and that is to be a mother. I realize it's only a few months, but that can seem like a lifetime when faced with the (non-)creation of a family.

But for now, I am off to Hawaii for a week, and I plan on having the time of my life! Chris asked, in the midst of all this, "If you have cancer, are we still going to Hawaii?"

Uh, ABSOLUTELY. If you were faced with possible death and a certain tropical paradise before, what would you choose? No. Duh.

Clean it up!

2011-01-27T19:26:00.004-07:00

I have a dirty mouth - seriously. Chris hates it (I originally wrote "Christ," I bet He does, too). I used to hate swearing, I thought it was THE WORST, and then I tried it a few times and thought it was so.....cathartic. Sometimes, something happens and saying "Gosh darn it" just won't express yourself fully.

On Monday, ones of those times happened. Chris and I parked straight across the busy street - 9th East - of the building we needed to go to, but the crosswalk was too far away to justify going up and back for it. Normally, I hate jaywalking - it makes me so nervous. Pedestrians are often unthoughtful as it is, and when they're jaywalking, you just want to yell, "You have no excuse! *****!"

Well, we got the street at the perfect time with no cars, so Chris made a jump decision and grabbed my hand to start running. I protested, but realizing this WAS the perfect opportunity, we made a mad dash across the street. Of course, my phone was in my coat pocket, in perfect position to, you know -

I don't mean to be dramatic, but I about lost it. As I yelled swear word after swear word, Chris had had it. "What are you freaking out about!??!" He knew perfectly well....

"Uhh, are you serious?? A hundred and fifty dollars is in the middle of the road! Broken apart!" (Just the battery and back became dislodged. No fatalities....yet.) A car was approaching, and I seriously weighed my odds of survival and trying to get the phone in time. It was too quick for me, but the next cars had seen what happened, and were mercifully slowing down to let me go back and get it.

"That doesn't mean you have to say !#$% *^&$ #%*^ @$%& *^%$!!!" he yelled back at me from the sidewalk. Well, now you're swearing, and that's not ok. Mostly because I know I've really pissed him off. But couldn't he see, the situation was dire?? If that phone was gone...well. We don't have money floating around. And though it was worth a lot, we got it BOGO - and none of this half-off bidness. For free. You can't lose a steal like that!

The fatality was averted, but crisis with the husband was ongoing. Chris doesn't get upset easily, so when he does, I know I need to shape up. I apologized over and over, but to no avail. Finally, I made a deal with him. "I promise not to utter another swear word the rest of the week!" What's more is that I actually meant it. He thought this was a worthy goal, and soon after said something sexist, so then I didn't feel so bad.

Later that night. I sat on my couch waiting for him to get back from work. He arrived earlier than usual, so when he walked quietly to the door and started BANGING AS HARD AS HE COULD - Jeez I'm sorry but "Goodness Gracious!" didn't cut it. "Holy SH--!!!" I covered my mouth at the end, but the "sh" was out already, and when a word ends with "it," even when you cut yourself off early, the message still gets out. Loud and Clear.

He walked in with a fake sad face. "You promised!!"

Promises are null and void when provoked.

Ideas for revenge?

Baby Loss

2011-01-23T23:49:00.008-07:00

Last week, I was pregnant. Then, I miscarried. I was 9 weeks along. I had to have a surgery to get everything taken out. It was as delightful as it sounds. As much as I joke about a lot of things that I really shouldn't, laughter is how I deal with sorrow. It is much easier to laugh than it is to cry. I can't do that with this. It hurts too much, and it certainly isn't funny. Well, neither is my dad's death, but it always worked with that. Now that I'm faced with something that isn't solved by a simple ab workout, I have no coping mechanisms.

Except writing.

I am somewhat of a closet writer. I've always loved writing, but I've never been super faithful at keeping up on it, until something memorable happens, and usually memorable in the bad way. The week of June 26th, 2005 is probably the best documented week of my life. As is early August, 2008. My marriage to the love of my life? Not so much. It was more important, but I write to deal with the bad times. The good times, I just enjoy. My great great grandchildren, who I'm sure will have nothing better to do than read my depressing journals, will think their grandmama's life was horrendous.

When we found out, a week before our anniversary that I was expecting - we were so excited. Chris has been wanting to be a dad as long as I've known him, but it took me some time to decide I was willing to take on the responsibility of motherhood. However, once I decide something, I am all in. No going back. It was all I could do not to tell everyone, and let's be honest, pretty soon a lot of people knew. Especially when nausea kicked in - how do you hide that from a coworker? Plus, being married in Provo, every other day you get asked if you're pregnant. But there's a huge taboo about telling people before 8-12 weeks "just in case," but as Alison said, "Just because something could go wrong, doesn't mean you walk into it with the expectation that it will go wrong." And it changed my perspective on the whole situation. It was wonderful, and the next 7 weeks I could not wait for this baby, for the doctor's appt, for the heartbeat...

At 9 weeks, we should see this:

But instead, we saw this:

And then the nurse said, "I'm going to have to get the doctor, this isn't a usual ultrasound. We're going to have to do an internal ultrasound, so you'll need to undre-" I have NEVER taken my pants off so fast. And I am a married woman. Who has gotten pregnant. 2+2=4. The doctor then confirmed our worst fears, and we...well. I'm not pregnant anymore.

Of course, by then, all family knew, as well as close friends, and let's talk about awkward conversations. "How's your pregnancy going??" "Oh. Uh. I'm not pregnant anymore." Then they feel awful, and you don't want them to feel awful because how could they have known? It's flattering for others to be so excited for something that is exciting to you. The worst is that our landlord told his old tenants that, "One of my tenants is expecting, so they're moving closer to campus..." and they asked on speakerphone if The Bicks were pregnant while we were at the neighbor's for dinner. Well, as they had just announced their pregnancy, it would have been bad form to admit that we were, but no more. So we lied. And were happy for them. I pretended, because I am a bad person, and can't be that excited for myself anymore. Call me selfish, but it's still fresh.

It's just that - with this baby gone, my plans are now shattered. We cancelled our plans to work in Alaska for the summer, because I would be due the week we come home. Not happening. Either situation would have gotten me out of my miserable job, and I now see no end in sight, which depresses and frustrates me. Depending on the kind of miscarriage, we may have to wait 6 months-1 year to try again. Even less end in sight. The hell of it all is that, as this pregnancy progressed, I felt more and more that this is what I was made for. I was going to be a mother, and I am going to be the best damn mother on earth. I like doing hair, I love working with families and making lives better - but to create life? And then raise it? I realized that there could be literally no better calling.

Smash.

I realize that miscarriages happen every day. To thousands of women. I realize that some women cannot even conceive. My amazing friend who I have talked with about this will probably read this, and I pray it does not add to her pain. But I also believe that pain is pain, and there will always be someone who is worse off than you. That does not mean you cannot feel and express your pain for the reality it is to you. We all deserve the chance to be heard, and empathized with.

I wrote this to express myself in a way I haven't been able to. I have a lot of hope for what is to come, but it still hurts now, and that is what I wanted to share. Publishing it was iffy. I've decided to because I think that when you can share pain, it can make you a catalyst for good things to happen. Relationships can form that normally wouldn't have, others can feel like they are understood, and not alone in their pain. I read earlier this week that, "unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject." I think it shouldn't be.

I wrote this for the sole purpose of being honest about my feelings, to myself, and now to you. I hope it is received in the same way.

Note: I do not own either of these images. They can be found on the first pages of Google image search by searching "9 week ultrasound" and "molar pregnancy"

It's Funny Because I Don't Have Kids Yet

2011-01-05T22:51:00.005-07:00

Twoish months ago, I started a trend where I was wearing makeup about as often as I was not wearing makeup. (Still with me?) It came down to a very important decision in the mornings: Do you want sleep, or do you want to look like a sexy (married) beast for all the (single) men's hairs you will be cutting today? Guess which one won. But, being vain, I couldn't go without BOTH. The choice became more defined: Hair? Or makeup? I would choose hair (usually). I'm a hairdresser. Duh.

About a month ago, I basically stopped altogether. Both decisions. I am currently growing my hair out because it is easier to pull into a bun when you have more than 3 inches of hair on your head, as has been my trend over the past 22 months. So, that goes into a messy bun (can it be a bun if it still sticks out?) with exactly two bobby pins to hold the short layers in place. Get a little silky-smooth on my face and I am ready to go!

Pros of my new lifestyle:

1. More sleep.

2. No pressure to ALWAYS look hot.

3. Chris notices 0 difference between makeup'd me/non-makeup'd me. Even though on some days when I wear makeup, he's like, "You look so nice today!" and can't figure out why.

4. Now, when I get all dolled up (read: get dressed, do hair AND makeup, maybe even some body spray oooOOOOoooohhh!), I can look in the mirror and say - "Day-um girl!! You lookin' fiiiiiinneeee!!!! Yeah, you are welcome...."

5. More sleep.

6. Chris no longer has to ask me "Will you be ready in 5 minutes?" "Will you be ready in 10 minutes?" He is pleasantly surprised that I am responsible enough to realize that one activity in three must go - sleep, hair, makeup.

7. More sleep.

Cons:

1. I now feel officially married and old.

2. I have started this trend before even conceiving my first child.

3. I always SWORE I never makeup to impress anyone but me. Was I - OMG - lying?!?!!

4. I rarely look hot. Not that I need to pickup anyone, but knowing that I'm at least attractive gives a nice boost to my day.

On the Undecided side, all I have is that I've tried to track if I get more tips on days I don't vs. do wear makeup. And I will whore myself out for all the tips I can get in this stingy town. Results are inconclusive at this point.

Anyone else feeling this? Maybe it's something in the water......

The Pub's Detour

2010-12-13T15:02:00.005-07:00

...is now my barbershop, as I learned from a buzzed Irishman.

He said he had flown in from Ireland two days ago at 3AM, and he hasn't slept since. The first thing he says when he has mine and my coworker's attention was, "You know, I don't give a (expletive), I just need you to cut all this (expletive) off. Just shave all th' (expletive) (expletive) off!"

"Ok, sir, come on have a seat." Nicole had the prestigious honor of cutting his hair, and he proceeded to tell us many wonderful things.

Irishman: "You know, I never bin to Provo before. Bin to Missouri, me dad lives there, but this me first time ta Utah. I'm 'ere fer a (expletive) wedding, so me friend called me to tell me 'bou two months ago tha' I needed ta come."

Nicole: "So, who is getting married?"

Irishman: "Some (expletive). She is just a (expletive) you know? Either he hasn't seen it yet, or he just don't care, but he's makin a (expletive) mistake I tell ya what. "

Since he'd never been to Utah, this guy has no idea that the guy sitting next to him probably hasn't heard this many curse words since serving his mission in the streets of Venezuela. And those were at least in Spanish. I'm sure that, if knew he had entered a sheltered city he'd still be swearing, but he'd probably apologize for being so vulgar, then keep going. Either way, Nicole and I were laughing our heads off.

Irishman: "Is that as short as you can git this (expletive), love? Don' take it personal that I call ya 'love,' unless you wan' to, but if yer married, don' take it personal."

Nicole laughs, and tells him she's married. Later...

Irishman: "Ya know, I had a hard time findin' this place. I was up near exit 297 or some (expletive) like tha', and I call me friend who tol' me bou' it, and she tol' me I was way far off, so I had ta come all the wey down here to fin' this (expletive), and o' course I had ta stop by the pub on me way over..."

What the? How did he find a pub in Provo?! I have lived here for five years and I know of but one place that I could get a nice drink if I wanted, and it's na' 'xactly shoutin' its lo-key-tion...whoops got a little carried away with me accent...

(When the haircut's finished...)

Irishman: "Okee, you guys got any (expletive) hair product? What aboot the (expletive) that the Blackies use? You know, the ones that weer their hey-r like this?" He demonstrates swooped bangs that partially cover one's eyes. Alone, this was funny since his longest hair was no longer than half an inch - how could he use it?

Me: "Oh, like gothic people?"

Irishman: "No, I think you gies call 'em n******?"

.......

First of all, you watch too many (expletive) dirty American movies, because you will not hear any self-respecting American call them that. Second of all, how are our dark-skinned brothers wearing their hair in Ireland? Adam Lambert style? How is that possible? If it is, I want to see it, because it would be awesome.

All in all, it was a pretty eventful 20 minutes. I can' imagine we'll ferget 'im soon!

I think I can, I think I can...

2010-11-30T09:37:00.002-07:00

When the snow came down on Sunday, I wasn't worried because duh, I'm from Missouri and I can handle a good amount of snow on the roads. Nevertheless, I have a husband from Montana (it never stops snowing there), so I asked him for some advice for driving in the snow.

Nevermind that I asked for this advice after I had burned out some tires on our friend's driveway/parking lot...

He told me that I was supposed to go really slow when driving out of a snowy patch, and the worst thing I could do was to "gun it" trying to get out. Probably common sense, and I bet I knew that once upon a time, but - I forget things sometimes.

SO, there I am, on my way home from Zumba (PS I'm not a dancer. Not organized dancing, anyway. I can shake it on my own though!), and I try out his little trick, and voila!! It was beautiful! I went excruciatingly slow, but still - I made it out of another driveway, and no burning rubber!

I came home and told him the good news. I don't know why he wasn't surprised.

Chris Wins!

2010-11-15T17:48:00.005-07:00

I have been AWESOME at blog-stalking these past couple weeks, and not so good at writing.

However, good times have been had. Chris placed second and third in two events he competed in for a Jiu-Jitsu tournament on Saturday, and I was forced to watch him get beat up - and guys telling his partner how to beat him up - with the powerless knowledge that I couldn't do anything about it. Here's a short clip of him winning!!!

My birthday happened and Chris decorated the whole living room with balloons that he had blown up for the past couple weeks and had been hiding them all around the apartment. That man is so thoughtful.

uhhh I'm retarded and impatient, so tilt your head to see our living room, 'cause I can't fix it...

And now it's time for me to get out ye olde cookbook and pretend like I know what I'm doing.

I was gonna go to work, but then I got high

2010-10-04T23:48:00.004-06:00

Whenever I had a sore/ache in high school - let's pretend my arm hurt - and was silly enough to tell my father about it, he'd ask me, "Do you want me to hurt your leg to take your mind of the pain in your arm?"

I told you that story so I could tell you this story.

Friday I got my wisdom teeth out. Before they put me under, they asked if Loritab was a viable prescription, I said yes because I didn't know any different. Now, however, I know better - if I'm in a situation where I know I won't be able to eat, I can't take Loritab, for it gives me an awful tummyache on an empty stomach. And it is dang hard to eat when I can't open my mouth more than an inch. Dad would understand though; just trading pain for pain.

I still don't get it.

Otherwise, knowing that you were conscious for a certain amount of time but remembering none of it is ridiculous. My friend Amber was my ride, and apparently, I felt good enough to be driving; but she is a smart girl and knew I was just high. She also knew that at 8.5 months pregnant, she would not be able to handle me in a Costco, which is why I got confused when we went through the Walgreens drive through for my prescriptions, when I explicitly told her I get mine filled at Costco. Because there's a difference? I was (apparently) super excited about the chocolate pudding she gave me afterward, and I DO remember being very cranky at the nurse trying to wake me up. No surprise there; no matter what, I'm cranky when being woken up.

Chris says I wasn't too swollen, but I think he's just a good husband. Awwww. After throwing up today - 3 days later - let's see how tomorrow turns out. Or stays in.

Please, everything, just stay in.

Learning To Live With A Boy

2010-09-26T17:07:00.008-06:00

Right now, this bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms is the only thing separating Chris and I. Normally, when we get the chance to sit together while doing different things, I want to be as close to him as possible. But because he was not sharing and put the M&Ms on the other side of him, I placed them between us. Peanut Butter M&Ms are about my favorite things in the world. And Keebler Grasshoppers with hot chocolate. This was the only way to settle my unhappiness.

Then, Chris, after lecturing me all weekend on how Sunday was to be his "study-only-do-nothing-else-day," he tried to put an M&M up my nose.

"I don't want it up my nose!!" I protested.

"Yes you do!!" He yells back.

So, in trying to get himself back on track, he kneels down and studies with his notebook on the cushion.

"There. Now God thinks I'm praying."

He told me not to blog that last part. Too bad.

Dynamite

2010-09-14T16:39:00.003-06:00

Whenever I hear the song "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz, this is how I envision it being written.

Reporter: "So, what is it you do, exactly?"

Taio Cruz: "I throw my hands up in the air."

Reporter: "How often?"

Taio Cruz: "Sometimes."

Reporter: "Do you ever say anything while doing this?"

Taio Cruz: "A-YO! Gotta let go!"

Reporter: "Why do you do this? What do you want to do?"

Taio Cruz: "I want to celebrate and live my life!"

Reporter: "How do you plan on doing this?"

Taio Cruz: "We gon' rock this club, we gon' go all night. We gon' light it up like it's dynamite!"

Reporter: "Excuse me?"

Taio Cruz: "I told you once - now I told you twice! We gon' light it up like it's dynamite."

I could go on. But you imagine the rest for me.

The Ugly Cut

2010-08-31T21:17:00.008-06:00

I work at a barbershop where the (de-)motivator of our week is our $5 cut day! Considering that every other day, regular cuts are only $7, you'd think this wasn't such a huge deal - no matter what, it's a definite steal - but most of the families in town seem to plan their entire week around the day their kids need "just a trim." And rightly so - the wait can be over an hour with six stylists working, doing 3-5 cuts/hour.

There is a style going around that is hideous to Caucasians or anyone with style, but bound to get some Latin guys a girl - or so they think. I get requests for it all too often. I tried to find a picture of said style, but after searching "latin male, bangs stick straight up" and "latin male haircuts," all I found was this picture of Cameron Diaz, though surprisingly close to what they're asking for:

Except, imagine that her hair not defying gravity is 1/4" long.

I'm not kidding.

The other day, a particularly picky mom came in and asked for said style for her young son, making it clear that I was only to take a half-inch off the top. Being a hairdresser, I naturally took this to mean that I should go shorter (though not by much, I'm working on it) and soon I took to my habit and cut myself with scissors. While I was playing nurse to my finger, the mother came over and started to get worked up about how I took WAY too much off (I didn't) and that I should just buzz it because it wouldn't look right.

"Looks like you messed up there, too," she snarled, pointing to a spot where I nicked his hairline in a little deep. There was no sympathy for my bleeding finger.

"Honey. I have news for you. That style looks atrocious. I was doing your son a favor." Well, I didn't say it, but I would have liked to.

However, she became quite angry, and after muttering completely audible insults, on her way out she declared that it was "worth the $13 to get his hair cut somewhere else." (It still blows my mind that she thinks $13 was already too expensive.)

However, on our last $5 day, I had two boys in, about the same age, who were adamant that his bangs not even be touched.

So I asked the little boy, "Have you ever been here before?"

"Yes," he replied, somewhat shyly.

"Did someone cut your bangs too short, and your mommy got mad?"

"Yes." He smiled this time.

Oddly enough, she never came in.

My One Dollar Reason I Love D.I.

2010-08-24T21:06:00.006-06:00

As my sister-in-law says, D.I. does not know how to price things.

PS I don't know why the first one is sideways. And I always forget that @&^!* Blogger uploads in reverse. And I'm too lazy to fix it. Ta-ta!

And so, we're like

2010-08-17T22:23:00.005-06:00

why isn't our vacuum working?

So, we do a little investigating...

...and found this.

Ahhh. The joys of Cosmetology.

New Roomies!

2010-08-15T23:47:00.007-06:00

And by roomies, I mean additions to our apartment. No, I'm not pregnant. Just wanted to clear that up - but if you ask me to my face, I will always tell you I am.

We went to Montana, and stopped by the pet store so I could look at puppies, as I often request to do. While there, Chris decided to buy a goldfish for their backyard pond. Chris, being the funny guy he is, asked, "How much for the brown goldfish in the bottom corner?" The girl said it was a tadpole (oh, really?) and it was FREE since it shouldn't have been in there, and we could have it as long as we *promised* not to set it free so it didn't offset the local population or something like that. Well, I was reluctant about bringing it home, but Chris was so excited about it - how could I resist? So, here is our new bullfrog tadpole, Squishy.

Isn't he cute? Well, I hate him but Chris loves him so I guess I like him. Don't tell the landlord.

Next, my mother in law found a black widow by our bed. Scary? I think so. But then we found him because when my brother in law killed it, he disregarded its cleanup. So. Does this not look like a squashed black widow to anyone else?

Maybe I am just telling myself that, but we'll see. Ew. I can't believe I posted a squished spider on my blog. How gross am I??!?!

Last but not least, we have a new, b-e-a-U-tiful camera, the likes of which I have been on my knees begging for for months - metaphorically speaking. It looks a little something like this:

Without this little beauty, this blog wouldn't have been possible. We've been basically camera-less for a couple months - Chris' mission one doesn't respond well to our tactile commands, and I dropped mine in the rain in Missouri a year ago and my sister found it about 30 minutes later. Poor guy never did recover. And so, my search for a new, easy to use, functional, step above a point and shoot but below professional camera began. And this one entered our life in the funniest way.

If course, I browsed the local electronics departments for a camera, but my real treasure finder was KSL. I'd see a camera at a reasonable price, then go to digitalcamerareview.com to see if it was any good or just a POS some dishonest creep was trying to get off his hands (in UTAH?!! noo...). I found a point and shoot, and was about to buy it, but Chris and I went to their apartment to see if it was functional, good pictures, etc. It was a quaint apartment in west Provo, and the couple was nice but incredibly awkward, and we ended up rejecting their goods because we wanted something a little more upscale - but told them we were looking for an underwater. At the time we were, but later decided we'd just use a disposable for the two times a year we might want submerged pictures. The husband said their regular pictures weren't as good anyway.

For a while, I forgot my search and went about my life, but one night, about a month later, I got on KSL on a whim and found my little baby up there. I was adamant about seeing it - the guy was selling it to the first buyer with cash, and there were no, I mean NO bad reviews on any site about it. And it was a third what the full price option was. I called to see why he was selling - I guess he got a nicer one, this was only 6 months used, blah blah I'm rich with money to burn blah blah. We went. We saw the address. And wouldn't you know - it was the same a couple as before!!! We almost didn't go in, but decided we'd buy it even if we hated it, just so we didn't reject the same people twice. Awkward!

The husband opened the door and said hello, then hello when he saw who we were. We joked about how he said, "Decided not to go with the underwater?" a little too judgmentally, tested the little guy, exchanged cash and went on our way.

We saw their picture in a ward bulletin in our stake building the next day, so I can't wait to take awkward pictures with them in the background at our opening social. With our sweet, sweet Nikon Coolpix L100.

Vanity & Heartbreak

2010-06-18T16:02:00.000-06:00

I was on my way to pick up Chris, and I saw a Hummer (south of campus - what is it doing in the hood?) with the license plate "Vanity2." Well, honey, you don't need a license plate to tell us. You're driving a Hummer. We know. My next thought was why they had the 2, so I wondered who had taken the precious "Vanity1." (simply "Vanity" didn't occur to me until just now.)

Not four hours later, I pull out of Target, and who do I pull up to but a sleek Beemer with the plate "Vanity1."

Coincidence?

Later, I was radio station searching and Taio Cruz was singing about his heartlessness, which I had gotten enough of when I changed another station, and this is what I heard...

103.9: "I'm only gonna break break your, break break..."

100.7: "...your heart. I'm only gonna bre..."

103.9: "ak break, your, break break your..."

100.7: "...heart. I'm only gonna break break your..."

Needless to say, I switched back and forth entertaining myself until Ludacris interrupted the syncopation.

PS I have been married for six whole months. Let's see what Chris has planned for tonight...

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-al-co-hol

2010-02-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

Just kidding.

Seen on a t-shirt:

Never will I ever see that and NOT laugh. I found it on a website with hilarious shirts, and this one's a good one too. They are especially lethal for me to browse at night. Even though I've seen the shirts tons of times, I will bust a gut everysingletime I look at them. In a world of unsure times, of not knowing what will happen tomorrow, THAT, my friends, is consistency.

Tomorrow night, the husband and I will attend a wedding reception, but he doesn't know that I'm mostly going for the half-naked Polynesian dancers covered in oil so you can stick money on them for the bride and groom. (Oh, right - and I'm friends with the bride.) All I had to say was, "unlimited wings!!" and he was in. I may not have the guts to go stick on some money, but if I do....well, let's just say it's lucky for him that it's V-day weekend and he can win back my affections by buying me something nice and pretty. Like a diamond.

Or a puppy! Our ward gave us a paper to fill out with the three things we're most worried about as a couple, and I was only honest on one of them - the third, where I admitted I was worried about us getting a puppy. I'm not kidding - Chris would have it in for me. Regardless, I might come home with one this weekend after the Petsmart adoption event. Sure, we'll get kicked out of our apartment, but we'll have each other. Well, he'll have me and I'll have Summer. (Big Daddy if I get a boy.)

Wish me luck!!

2010-01-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well, looks like I got married!!! Crazy, since the last time I wrote I wasn't even dating anyone, but life happens, and *poof* marriage just happens to people. Haha, just kidding. We chose to.

Well Chris and I met in the ward, he lived downstairs and I lived upstairs and he'll say I stalked him but I say he stalked me. We hung out a few times - including the masquerade I showed in the last post - and he won me over with his charm and manliness, and I won him with my loud laugh and I-don't-care-what-people-think attitude. I knew that would get me somewhere! Our first date was climbing a mountain, and it's amazing that, even seeing how out of shape I was compared to how manly he was, he still wanted to go out with me!

This is us on our back-breaking first date. Okayokay it wasn't that bad, but it's not something I'd do unless I really wanted to go out with the guy

This is us in Missouri at Adam-Ondi-Ahman. You'll notice the difference from Missouri and Utah/Montana pictures through the ridiculous humidity --> my hair sticking to my face!

We then went to Montana, and brought along one of his mission friends, David. He's from Brazil and speaks barely any English so Chris got to play Translator and I got to learn Portugese! In a week!

Us in Montana, riding one of Chris' horses. Oh yeah he's a cowboy.

And, of course, the wedding

Our amazing photographer, Julie Duke - soon Julie Cannon! Check out her work - juliedphotography.blogspot.com

Nice, timeless. Love it

Everyone needs a jumping picture! But I tell you what, plan on a light wedding dress or strong legs, 'cause without one you won't get up too high

LOVE

FUNNY

Chris THINKS he's funny

Just learning the options my computer has with color imaging

My BFF's for the past 4 years - loveyouloveyouloveyou

My hair school girls and also some of my greatest friends

We are in love.

And that's it!! See you in a few months or so...

Rosanne BICK!

Masquerade! Paper faces on parade...

2009-08-18T20:52:00.000-06:00

Being done with college is the best feeling I've ever had.

This is makeup from a masquerade we attended in June-ish. We lacked proper masks so makeup played the part. Aren't we pretty?

Look at this pretty girl who danced more than anyone!

Here's the fun group of friends we went with:

It was at this outdoor castle in south Provo, and the DJ was in a tent so when it started raining the party continued on. They had delicious food in one of the towers - no joke it was legit - and all around, it was a beneficial use of Provo, it's people and it's resources.

Mostly, Graduation!

2009-05-31T22:22:00.000-06:00

Well, I finally grew some and moved off the 900 E 900 N block. This is a very nice change. Campus isn't overriding my windows, calling me to do more homework, but even if it did it wouldn't matter because I GRADUATED!!!! Yep that's right, take a look see -

That's me and two of my roommates, Julie and Liz, and our happy faces as we finally saw the end of our last semester of college. Thank goodness we sat together at commencement or I may never have made it through.

In my new ward, I was given a calling and then interviewed for a temple recommend, and then called into the bishop's office a second time. That's not unnerving, thinking that he's going to revoke my entering-of-the-Lord's-House privileges. But all is well in Zion, for it turns out they just gave me the wrong calling. Member of the Enrichment committee?? No, sir. It's the Leader of the Enrichment Committee. Hoh*hoh*hoh (imagine that was a French laugh) My second sustaining allowed me to make up for the embarrassment of the first when I let my theater seat of a chair flop behind me as I stood up.

In spite of the knowledge that I may become boring, I will continue to talk about graduation anyway because it was, quite literally, the best day of my life. Nevermind that President Uchdorf looked and smiled at me as I walked into the Marriott. Or that I got to graduate with some great people. Or that wearing the cap and gown, for some reason, was close to helping me feel justified and actually complete. On the minus, looking at the thousands of bachelor's students made me feel a little bit normal, or "average" if you will; it was like seeing a thousand other brides on my wedding day. Whether some of the above were good or bad, who cares?? I graduated COLLEGE. I am no longer under The Man to decide what I can and cannot do with my time. Sure, I go to hair school. But, let's be honest. That takes as much effort as high school did. It is nothing compared to BYU. And it's not that my education is over, oh no, au contraire. It's just beginning. Now I get to learn what I want, how I want, when I want. This has been my dream ever since high school - to have my own time to learn and do what I want. Mmmmm this is fun already.

If I knew my apartment didn't have any air conditioning except for an extraordinarily loud fan, I might not have moved in. Wait....I pay $183 a month in rent. Of COURSE I would have moved in.

Oh. I guess I totaled my best friend's car this weekend. For more info, check out thosecrazylarsons.blogspot.com

love!

2009-01-22T18:16:00.001-07:00

First thanks go to Kortney Crowley for calling me to repentance, or something that makes me feel bad about not updating my blog. Life is as follows: I'm sitting on my loveseat with my coat still on from being outside, crunching on Rice Bitz (or Rice Chex for those who live not in the Projects) with Alison. MMMMMMMMMM.

Hair school is going well, I learn TONS everyday, but I still can't seem to figure out how not to cut myself with the intensely sharp scissors. They're like a death trap, waiting to happen. (If you are/were/ever will be my client, disregard that. They're completely safe.) That should be a nice resource when a burglar walks into my house and once he's taken all my knives, I'll pull them out like my secret weapon. Sucker wasn't planning on stealing from a hairdresser! Ha!

Plans for the week: Posting inspirational quotes from rap songs, such as "Never mind what hatas say. Ignore 'em 'til they fade away!" to remind us it only matters what God thinks. Also, "Can't turn a ho into a housewife. Hoes don't act right!" to remind us not to be ho-ey if we ever wish to marry. These are just a few treasures to soon adorn our walls. Should be fun times, yes?

Oh hey, a month later

2008-11-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

Ever since I've started doing hair school and BYU simultaneously, people have wondered at how exactly I can keep up with performing at two schools in one semester, especially being that it's my senior year and by far the hardest semester of classes I've ever had at BYU. My initial, practiced response is that I have learned how to balance my time better than ever before, that I have to learn what's most important and do the homework that corresponds with whatever is demanding that week. I've been able to focus on my studies and work with what I have, and I absolutely know that this is going to be so beneficial for me, so that helps to motivate me. How can I give up on something I know is so good and so right?

So yeah. That's how I went into this semester thinking. Let me give the answer my roommates and close friends know is more like me. I started out this semester motivated, as always, and that exhilaration lasted longer than normal. I am determined to do well this semester; with just enough time and energy for the only 3 classes I have left at BYU, I have no room to slack. Or so I imagine. Realistically, the way I've survived is by taking more breaks than I should, sleeping in to get the rest I need because the previous day wore me out so much, eating more chocolate than is reasonably healthy, and being more social than I originally allow time for. With the intense stress of getting these four months over with, demanding, crucial, and extremely difficult in so many ways, I realize more than ever the need to stay close to the things that keep me connected to this world, or I will go insane.

It makes me think that often times, we make life more dramatic than it should be. Complaining about the hard times, when in reality, I cannot recall a time in my life when my difficulties have surpassed my blessings, and as long as I hold strong, it will never happen. Now, actually being able to focus on and recognize those blessings is another story, buuuuut I think it's definitely worth a shot, every time.

Oh yeah. I turned 22, Thanksgiving happened and, well...I'll update for realz soon.

Proposition 8

2008-10-29T00:27:00.000-06:00

Proposition 8 has lead to very controversial, sometimes heated discussions. One side argues it’s not within the hands of the law to legislate morality, while the other says that the right to keep marriage between a man and a woman was already decided between the people of California, and we must respect democracy. My question is, what are we arguing about? What is the big deal about marriage?

Society has a literal and clear moral obligation to protect the rights of marriage to be held strictly between a man and a woman. This is not simply the protection of marriage in the state of California for this generation, but this decision will affect this nation and others for decades, if not longer. The family was built upon the idea that a man and a woman were biologically, emotionally and psychologically built to balance one another and procreate.

Studies have shown that in parenting, the mother tends to focus on more immediate well-being of the children while the father is more apt to show and act in concern for the child’s long-term well-being. While both of these can be accomplished with just one influence, this balance is the key to good adjustment in children’s growing and ability to adjust. Mothers accomplish this by staying with their children and helping them learn every day, while fathers are able to work and earn money so that the family can grow and prosper as a whole, giving the child good resources for the things they will need. But as children are taken to day cares and neighbor’s homes to be reared, they lose the influence of the mother’s emotional investment in their child’s immediate well-being, and adjustment is threatened simply by the mother’s lack of presence. Simply stated, the child is better off with the mother at home tending to the immediate day-to-day needs of her family.

Marriage has been recognized as the union of a man and a woman, bound by civil laws to live and work together and build a family and home. However, as a society we have redefined how we see this all-important issue. Marriage is seen as a more flippant and passive issue, a union that can be made or broken on a whim with no fault and under any circumstances. Throughout the years, we have failed to recognize the repercussions of these decisions. But first, how did marriage (and therefore, family) go from the most important institution in society to the one looked upon with the most flexibility? In American, we have gone through a very systematic and specific chain of events to get from one to the other.

Being a system made of changeable parts (its citizens), society as a whole is made to be naturally evolving based on its citizens’ actions. Going on the assumption that people will always look towards their and others’ best interests, we can safely say that these changes will lean towards being good, specifically on the economic side. As the financial situation becomes better, people start to have higher standards of living. This directs people to have a stronger focus on individual satisfaction. When the individual becomes the focus (as has happened in America, we are intensely individualistic), it leads people to have higher expectations for their marriages to obtain this “greater personal happiness.” When these expectations are not met, people are more willing to sue for divorce. This puts more pressure on courts who in the past had not allowed much room for separations, and with so many people wanting to be cut loose from their partners, divorce courts will ease the laws and more people will get divorced, causing marriage to eventually be seen as a contract that is easy to enter into and easy to escape. In situations of abuse, divorce should of course be considered as an option, but as a society, we are not willing to work out our smaller differences for the sake of our children.

So what does this say about Prop 8 - how does this tie in to homosexual marriages? I think it is important to realize that the importance of marriage has changed significantly because of our shift into an individualistic society. People may say, this is good, it is natural for society to evolve based on its needs and the collective voice of the people, do what you need to be happy. What we fail to mention here is our children. They are our future, and as such, we have a very high moral obligation to do everything we can to make their lives as potentially successful as we can. And the fact of the matter is, as Americans, we do not care about what happens to them. We are highly focused on our personal freedoms and well-being that we forget about the most important part of life – raising up a good generation of people who are socially able to handle decisions and look at situations from a solid standpoint. But as I’ve illustrated in the above chain of reaction, we are willing to conform to changes that may or may not be what’s best for the future. Over and over, statistics show that divorce and instability is not good for children, for it leads them down a path of uncertainty and confusion. Children need stable adults who are willing to guide them in direct and clear ways of living.

It is absolutely best for children to have a mother and a father. We are made to work together, to balance each other, and voting yes on prop 8 will be the first step to showing that this is a serious issue and must be dealt with very carefully. This isn’t about making sexual orientation more acceptable or making it easier for homosexual couples to gain rights that come through marriage. This is about making sure we protect this fundamental institution that was designed for the benefit of our children and for the people as a whole, to work together and function in healthy and progressive ways.

God's Sense of Humor

2008-10-16T13:14:00.000-06:00

At Paul Mitchell the other night, we were having this great discussion about how none of us have time to work out anymore, but we all still eat like there's no tomorrow. Since I'd had a steady diet of cookie dough, cereal and hot chocolate for the past few days to celebrate the premature winter, I was feeling pretty stressed about not being able to exercise as much as I'd like (i.e. at all). So, in a desperate attempt to gain some kind of ability to not gain 20 pounds by Christmas, I prayed that somehow I'd be given more opportunities to at least be more active during the day.

Later that same day, I was walking home while having an intense discussion with my friend Emily Dyer (who has inspired an upcoming post). I got all the way to Stonebridge, which is 1.5 blocks away from home and completely off campus, when I saw a sheet of paper sticking out of my binder. The same sheet of paper I then realized I had to make a complete 180 and return to campus for-and then make the trip back-for I was supposed to turn it in before 5PM. And I just started laughing. I'm fairly certain God just chuckles with us sometimes too. In good news, He does answer prayers.

One of the loves

2008-10-12T01:16:00.000-06:00

My neice, Samantha got baptized today. As soon as I got to the church and sat down, my nephew Michael came to me to sit on my lap. We talked, we played, and I realized he has my dad's color of eyes, I think only because my dad's brother Leo was sitting by me and so it was on my mind. It was a good connection, like the one between us when we sat there just enjoying each other.

When something so beautiful and pure sits on your lap and you play and are just happy together, it's easy to forget that there is evil and sadness in the world. Just love.

Back to the old

2008-10-08T01:59:00.000-06:00

Learninglearninglearning. It's all I seem to be doing, and I love it. Especially when that learning consists of me learning that I learned what I was supposed to learn wrong for a test I took, but learning now how it is that I have to study for the next one so I don't bomb again.

Learn is kind of a weird word.

Two songs I'm currently obsessed with:

Big Apple Heartbreak - Yellowcard

Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay

Learn them. Love them. You will not be disappointed, I promise.

Two people I'm currently obsessed with, in non-sexual ways:

Clarence Pimptown

Amanda Hansen

Because I need a lot more laughter in my life right now. No, wait. Always.

Being from KC has never been better

2008-10-06T11:36:00.000-06:00

I'm obsessed. Absolutely excited!!!!!!!!! When I heard the news about the temple in Kansas City, it was just a natural reaction to start screaming, jump on the couch, and then I sat down and started crying. I can't believe it. Twelve years ago, we took buses and overnight trips to Houston and Chicago. Then St. Louis was dedicated and it shortened our trips to 3-4 hours, depending on if Bishop was driving or not (he was faster). Now, there will be one no more than an hour and a half from where anyone lives, probably less. There are soooooooOOOOsosososo many worthy Saints out there who are going to love this, and who deserve it so much. AH I'm so excited!!!!! Haha and I got invited to go to that morning session...I'm very glad I declined because the world would have been graced with my screaming reflex, right before security came to escort me out.

Once, my niece asked me what my birth mark was. I told her I got burned in the hospital when I was a baby, and the next time I went over, my nephew Michael looked at me ever so sadly, then touched my birth mark and said "Roro burn burn?" He missed the part where I told them I was kidding...and it was hilarious. Also, I think I lied again and told them it was leprosy and my skin was falling off, and then my niece mentioned the story about Jesus and the 10 lepers, and Michael chimed in with all he knew about Jesus, so he jumped on the bed, proclaiming "Jesus died!! Jesus died!!" Haha. Yes, yes He did.

I saw two great movies this weekend: So I Married An Axe Murderer, and Kung Fu Panda. I'm fairly certain my major is turning me into a critic - something I know will go away when I graduate, but is hard to ignore when every class forces me to question everything I think I've ever known. Movies are great fun, and I literally analyze everything in them. O, the joys of college.

I hope I am hallucinating

2008-09-26T02:04:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here, 2 AM, just finishing up some homework, you know? Nothing big except that I'm tired - can I hear a "yea, verily!" and have had a very long week. I want to go to bed. Well, I see something scurry across the floor and it's probably my imagination, right? But earlier I saw a large spider get away in apartment 9 and I'm not about to let something that retarded (sorry, God, that's one creation I am working on accepting) run amuck in my apartment. So I keep my eyes on the area of suspect and suddenly, a mouse crawls across the floor. Chomping on some cute bits of food that have undoubtedly been there for weeks because not one of us has time to clean. We had mice once in the duplex in Missouri, not on purpose, mind you, and I don't know whether or not to freak out, but I'm going to just a little bit because is it acceptable to be chill with a rodent living in your heater closet? We didn't catch it, but we taped off the space betwixt the door and the floor and so hopefully it won't at least come out anymore.

There is a scripture Claire showed me in the temple that now hangs in my room because it is so ridiculously helpful. I read a particular part that stuck out to me - you know how that happens, different things mean more or less depending on the time you read it, what your context is, etc. This particular line is in the Doctrine and Covenants, and it says "And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious." Well, friends, I don't think God only meant our blessings, but those things which are hard for us. ALL things. Even - especially? - the ones we see no purpose in and wonder why the world they had to happen. Grateful? For pain? And then when things just keep on piling up when you absolutely expect that everything else should at least stay together, and it doesn't....be grateful. And I am. Today something happened that could potentially change the rest of my life, and when I heard, I had a mini freak out for a split second and then it was gone, and I was at complete peace. It may be because it's intense enough that alone, I could have had a real breakdown, and on top of everything else...wow. but more likely I believe it was Heavenly Father just telling me it's okay. It's okay. And it is the first trial I have ever had where it happens, and I don't really let it hit me and I give it straight to God, because it's way beyond my power to handle. It's a matter of faith that the decisions I have made were definitely okay-ed by Him, and just to keep going. I feel really good about it. And I can still see so many blessings in my life it's ridiculous. The rest of that scripture BTW is section 78:17-19. It's so good. God is so good.

Also because my friend in Mexico, Alison, called me today. From Mexico. Because she is the bomb.com, and knows when it needs to be Alison Time, and when it needs to be Rosanne Time. And Sunny called me yesterday, and that is a blessing I can't ever look past, the gift of friendship. Blessed, I say.

And now, an Ode to my Bed:

Oh, sleepy

How long hath thou waited for me?

Some nights, yea, some days have almost made me believe I wouldst not see thee

but still, through the long times, you waited

and waited

and stayed, Your Comfortableness, where I knew I could find you.

And I know if I need a cry, or a sleep at night, or even in the bright sunlight hours,

You are only too happy to accommodate me.

If I could only show thee how much joy thou hast given unto me,

alas, it is impossible

for I am perfectly in your debt,

and you cannot feel emotion anyway.

No more waiting, for now, I come to thee.

Good, simple things

2008-09-20T17:38:00.000-06:00

I kept meaning to write again this week, and then my days would happen to go so that the only time I had remaining was at 1AM, when I was dead tired and still hadn't read my scriptures. Well, priorities took precedence and, alas, I have not written.

Some events of significance happened this week that I am only too happy to share. First, I saw a lady carrying 5 dozen Krispy Kremes, and I commend my own self-control in not grabbing them and running away with them. (thank you, thank you) Then, I had a dream that I made out with Daniel Radcliffe, more popularly known as Harry Potter, and he was going to propose when we got home and were done fighting the goblins and zombies that had invaded the Dyer mansion on the mountain. I was scared, but it was all okay. We were TOTALLY going to win because we all dressed in black and had a device to turn off the stars, so we would somehow be able to kill the zombies, but not vice versa.

Okay so maybe that's ridiculous. But maybe it triggered my memory of an incredibly vivid dream I had when I was 17 or so. It all just came back to me in the shower - most of my epiphanies come there, oddly enough. I stopped what I was doing so fast that it took me a minute or so to realize I was no longer doing anything but standing there, thinking...it was a really intense flashback. I cannot relate the dream here, but I will say that it brought me a lot of peace, and a knowledge that everything happens for a reason, and that God knows everything that has, is, and will happen to us. And He'll lead and protect us through it all. Kayla sent me a quote this week - The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect us. A-men. The hardest lessons to learn are the most precious.

I believe God communicates with us through any medium that is appropriate - like that dream I had (the 17 one, not Harry Potter, haha). Also through music. I own 3964 songs, roughly 11 days of music. So when I put my iTunes on shuffle, I expect to hear something different for a week and a half if I choose to keep it on for so long. Well, due to a transfer error, about a hundred of those songs are doubles and I haven't deleted all the duplicates yet. So this morning as I'm getting ready (okay...afternoon), random songs are playing, and one by Staind called Zoe Jane pops on. It's about his daughter and how he wants to be around her but has work to do that takes him away. He misses her and he's so sad every time he leaves but wants her to know he loves her so much. And I'd never thought about it extensively, I imagine a 4-year-old blonde as he sings it and not much else. It's cute, you know? Well, maybe 15 songs later, the double of that song plays. Out of 4000 songs, and two of the same play in 45 minutes?

I wasn't even thinking about my dad today. But I do appreciate reminders that he's still around, and that God will throw little fun things like that into my days to remind me that He exists and is willing to show me His conscientiousness. That may sound out there to some, and that's fine. I really think that God will use any worthy medium to communicate with us, and enjoy finding those times when they happen.

Other highlights - I did my very first updo!! I went to a kickin Tejano party, AND I got my hair cut, and I have bangs - excuse me, fringe - for the first time in 10 years or so. I like it. :)

The Return

2008-09-13T23:07:00.000-06:00

Ever since I saw Amelie I have thought about those things that "elle aime." At the top of my list is:
-Waking up three hours before I should, looking at the clock and realizing how long it is until I have to get up, and going back to sleep with a smile on my face.
-Slightly burnt Cheez-its

-Thinking about braiding the stems on my lamp in the living room. I'm doing that soon...maybe tonight?

-Paul Mitchell!

-The fact that BYU CREAMED UCLA today, with a 59-NADA win!!!!!! And I'm proud to be an American....wait. Different song. That game was still pimp.

Speaking of which (the PM part), that is going ridiculously well. I realize that I am extraordinarily different from most the girls in my class - there's only 8 of us which is sweet - and it's totally fine. I was worried I would somehow exclude myself because I 'don't fit in,' and I don't. I participate in chat and dinner breaks when I care, and if I find that I just want to be alone, work on homework, or do something on my own, I FINALLY have the confidence to just....do what I want. And not care what they think. And this isn't in some self-righteous way, I just really appreciate my independence and don't feel the special need to be the center of attention all the time to feel like I fit in. I will work for the friendship when I feel like I can and I'm comfortable, or when I feel someone else needs it.

Does this make any sense? I'm listening to a song called Missing Missouri so it's driving my thoughts more than this so it could be discombobulated, and I'd say I'll fix it later, but....I won't. haha. Anyway, there is a 38 year old Domincan in my class named Rosa and i ADORE her. She is so friendly and fun and just great to talk to, she has some great stories and I'm learning a lot from her and her determinism and strength. She is a solid woman, and a great influence on me already.

Well, homework calls. So does every piece of chocolate in my apartment, and beyond. I swear sometimes I could drink a bottle of Hershey's syrup and not think twice. Thank goodness for cookie dough. And Ben&Jerry's on sale...and chocolate chips...and Ghiradelli...

Have I ever mentioned it's a dream of mine to visit Ghiradelli Square in San Fran? Any takers for a road trip?