Sunday, March 23, 2014

Knock and it Shall be Opened

I gave a talk in sacrament meeting today, and I had to sit with Ariana so Chris could take care of McKenna until I had to go up on the stand. I was the last speaker as well, and so I sat with Ariana for 45 minutes and tried hard to get her to behave all reverent like, with a lot of help from the family behind me. So when I got up there, I made an impromptu comment:

"I learned a secret today - the best way to deal with pre-talk nervousness is to wrestle a one-year-old for most of sacrament." (chuckle chuckle)

The rest of my talk went (roughly) as follows:

Hi! My name is Rosanne, my husband and I just moved here in December. I'm a SAHM of two little girls, I'm a BYU grad and a licensed cosmetologist, a cancer survivor, and I'm a Mormon!

(I'm so funny! The joke was Chris's but seriously. Hilarious. And only like two people laughed. If you're lost, our church encourages us to make videos/profiles about who we are and then say, "And I'm a Mormon" to show we have lots of different kinds of people in the church, but anyone called to speak in church is Mormon, so I was basically stating the obvious. :) )

I get my sense of humor from my dad. He was a jokester, and played pranks on his kids and just liked to have fun. He focused his efforts on his kids because he knew that family is of the utmost importance because it's central to God's plan, and above all, my dad is faithful. He loves his Heavenly Father very much.

My senior year of high school, my dad got sick. He was generally a very healthy person, so he thought it was just a bad cold and expected it to go away. It didn't, however, so he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with leukemia, one of the kinds that comes on fast and strong. They prescribed a treatment for him, one he'd probably have to repeat a few times to be fully effective.

Around this time, we were very close with the missionaries in our ward, and so before his treatment, they came over to give him a blessing. In the blessing, they said, "you will be healed according to your faith." Well that was just great! We had nothing to worry about! My dad was the most faithful person I knew, so from then on, I knew he'd be healed.

So he went through the treatment, and four weeks later, they tested his blood and the leukemia was gone! After just one treatment! He was healed, just like the Lord promised in the blessing. However, his body was weak and he still had a hard recovery ahead of him. He came home, but after a few days of being home, one night he started coughing up blood. So we took him to the hospital, and unfortunately, in the morning, he passed away. We learned that his body was too weak from the chemo, and he suffered a heart attack.

The topic I was asked to speak on  is "Knock and it shall be opened unto you." My dad was loved and respected by many people and I know countless prayers were offered on his behalf. We all knocked on heaven's door, hard, and faithfully. The missionary's blessing was fulfilled - my dad was healed! But it wasn't meant to be. Now, in this situation, I could choose to look at it one of two ways. I could say that God had betrayed us and let my dad die even though he promised that he'd be healed, or I could say that God blessed us to know he could be healed, but that it was still his time to go. I choose the second way. From this, I know that God is a God of miracles, but unfortunately, His timing doesn't always line up with ours. I don't know why my dad had to die, but I know that I can choose to learn lessons from it, and I'm glad that I had my Heavenly Father to lean on.

I like to compare this to going to a friend's house. If I'm going to see my friend Sarah, and I knock at the door, and her brother answers, am I angry that he answered first and not her? No! I know Sarah is there, and I know I'll see her soon enough. It's okay that her brother answered. I know I'll get who I need eventually. Similarly, when I knock on God's door, should I be angry when the answer given is different than the one I wanted? No! We are told that "no unclean thing" can dwell in the presence of God. If we are knocking on God's door, that means only good will answer, because that's all that's allowed to live with Him. It's okay that it may not be what we wanted, because we are guaranteed to get something good, so long as we are at His house.

In order to knock on God's door, we must draw near unto Him. Elder J. Thomas Fyans, in his talk "Draw Near Unto Me," outlines the necessary steps to come close to God. He says, "We seek him by studying the scriptures and listening to his prophets, through which we learn about him and his eternal plan for us. We ask through prayer and receive the guidance of his Spirit. And as we knock, the way is opened for us to gain eternal life and return to the Lord's presence through obedience to his commandments."

I really liked this in my research on this topic - in a talk by Elder Russell M. Nelson, he mentions Moroni 10:4, which states, "If ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ." To have real intent means that you really intend to follow the divine direction you're given. I think this is so important! It's not just that you really, really want to ask this question, but you need to be prepared to listen to what God has to say, even if it doesn't follow your timetable. You need to have faith that you'll have the strength to follow whatever answer is given, to follow God's plan.

Elder Fyans expands on this in his talk, and says that to draw near to the Lord, we need to sanctify ourselves. He quotes Doctrine and Covenants, which states, "Sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him;  for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will." It may seem intimidating or hard to do, but the Lord gives things, "line upon line." We don't have to be perfect now, we just need to build on it, "precept upon precept." And the promise He gives is worth it: Doctrine and Covenants 93:1 says that, "Every soul who forsaketh his sins and cometh unto me, and calleth on my name, and obeyeth my voice, and keepeth my commandments, shall see my face and know that I am."

I think if, in the end, it allows us to see God's face, it will all be worth it, and I know He is there for us, and I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Sometimes I get stabby

Sometimes I get stabby because my mind sounds like this: 


...the clothes in the dryer they'll have to get rewashed or they'll get mildew-y, but first I have to fill up this water bottle so that I have some for when I'm thirsty while pumping later since it's getting painful but maybe I should clean the living room first so I don't have to look at this huge mess while I pump and just get stressed and then I don't make enough milk though that's laughable I make enough of this for a village but that's gross and so are these dishes that need to go in the dishwasher but first I have to unload the clean ones but I can't do that right now because Ariana will try to play in it and I can't keep her occupied away from me unless it's in the bathtub but obviously I can't do that because a) I can't leave her alone in the tub full of water and even if I did she'd freak out that I wasn't there and b) we already took a bath today (oh crap our towels are still on the floor and did I drain the water?) and while it might be good for her diaper rash to clean off and dry out again I just don't have an hour to sit with her there which is as long as she'd play in the tub if I let her and she'd have a meltdown if I took her out before she was ready since she didn't take her nap today and I wish I could take a nap today but that's not going to happen because even if the girls are sleeping at the same time that means I can actually use the dishwasher without getting ambushed but I know I need to finish cleaning the kitchen so we don't find any more stupid roaches like the two I found yesterday oh that reminds me I need to call the office to make sure the bug spray people come tomorrow and where the heck are they all coming from anyway because we clean this apartment as often as possible with two little ones and we really aren't that messy but I guess we do have a one year old who gets crumbs everywhere even though we don't let her have food away from the table I guess it just sticks to her clothes or something oh crap that reminds me I have to switch out the clothes in the washer because if I don't put...



...On repeat. Looping on itself over and over and over and over and....

Thursday, March 13, 2014

The Intruder

Foreword: I wrote this months and months ago and must have forgotten to publish. Now I found it and wanted to share the story, 'cause it's a good one, and I was going to change the tenses to reflect a current viewpoint, but I like it fresh, like it really just happened. So just know that the story is not new, though I'm publishing it much later than it was written.

Ever since we got back from vacation, Ariana's sleep has been waaaay off. She had slept through the night a few times the week before we left, and other than that was down to just waking up once. It was glorious. But during vacation, and now being home, she's been waking up 4 times at night AND she's sick on top of that. We're basically back to the newborn stage, but with an 8-month-old. And I'm already cranky during the middle of the night (I'm really hoping that all the swears said while I'm half-asleep don't count against me at The Judgment), but when it's 4 times in the night?? It's unbearable. We're working her back down, but regression is just hard overall.

So my being cranky is compounded with an irrational mind that always imagines a stranger lurking at our windows, just waiting for the lights to turn off so they can break in and take things. I didn't previously have this fear; I have a gun, I know how to use it and am most certainly not afraid to if I feel I'm in danger. I'm not a bad shot, either. But Ariana's just tiny and can't defend herself at all, but for screaming. So I worry more about her, though her screams have the potential to wake up a village, so I can't be too concerned.

So one night, I went to Ariana's room to console her crying, trying to keep my cool since it was something like 3:30AM. Her room is right next to ours and behind the living room, and our rooms are sectioned off by a hallway to the living room/kitchen, the door of which I make sure is always closed at night. Well, I came back out from feeding her, and that door was open. I KNEW it was shut when I went into her room, so of course, I immediately freaked out. I ran into our bedroom - which surprised me because I was sure I had been paralyzed by fear - and woke up Chris to tell him that there was someone in the house. My worst nightmare! Coming true!! So he got up and walked toward the door (with no protection - what the heck?? Grab the gun!!), ever so cautiously, listening for signs of where the intruder was and how he could attack. I watched from the bed in fear, trying to figure out how we'd get out of this. Why wasn't I already calling the police??

Then I realized - we had forgotten to give Ariana her medicine in the evening before going to bed. So I said I would do it when she first woke up in the night. Suddenly, I vaguely remembered opening the hallway door, grabbing the syringe from the kitchen counter, and taking it in to Ariana's room - without closing the door behind me.

My heart calmed down, but only for a second, because I still had to tell Chris what an idiot his wife was.

"Chris. Chris. I opened the door. I just remembered. I got it to get Ariana's medicine."

You know how you get all worked up about something, and then it takes a while to calm down, and you're somewhat delirious because you're so happy the situation you feared didn't happen after all? Imagine that, but instead of deliriousness, imagine shame.

Whoops.

The moral of the story is that ARIANA NEEDS TO START SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Last of Juan Pablo

Okay, so this week I tuned in late and was in and out of the first two hours because, children.

I tuned in JUST in time to see Clare's freak out about Juan Pablo's inappropriate comment or whatever when there were no comments, and my first thought was, "Clare has standards?" I know. I'm a horrible person. But when she goes to a guy's apartment at 4AM for a "swim in the ocean," you just kinda figure anything goes. But I'm glad to hear she does have a limit, and I guess JP hit it. (No pun intended.)

Well, based on her obvious flabbergastion (I thought I made that word up just now but spell check isn't doing anything - is that seriously a word?), I expected her to make it rain pain on JP when he got to her apartment that night, but it seems the worst she could do was deny him "besitos" at his arrival. And then beat around the bush about why she was really pissed, and somehow completely forgive him based on his answers that they have more than physical chemistry. Wow. That was anti-climactic. And honey, if he's telling you something when the cameras are off and nobody's watching - he means it. Run. If you're that offended, come out and say it, and then run.

Ok. Back to regular format.

*Nikki's date: Nothing we haven't seen before.

*Mute. So boring.

*Here, I didn't watch it, but let me recap it for you still. "I love him." "This could be my last date before getting engaged." "I'm so excited." JP: "Besitos?"

*Yawn.

*Why do the girls waste so much time on their hair in such awful humidity? Nikki, being from KC, should at least know better.

*See the light blue of Clare's dress as she gets off the boat = she's going home. Let's watch this dismissal.

*I don't know why they always let the other person talk. So awkward.

*JP is soooooo tan!

*Ooooooohhhhh the rejected hug! This'll be good.

*Uuuuhhhhhh. This is awkward. And awesome?

*"I believed in you!" What did she need to believe in him, exactly? I mean, what does that mean?

*I kinda wish she would let him say something. Let them duke it out!

*She's pretty quick to walk away after being soooo in love.

*I feel like Chris Harrison is almost proud of her for her rejection.

*"I'm glad I didn't pick her." -JP. LOL. Also, I love that engagements are a simple matter of "picking" one over the other.

*It seems cruel to make them wear high-heels while walking through the sand! Men obviously planned this.

*Oh my gosh. I have been waiting EVERY season for someone to finish off this way: "I'm not ready to get engaged, but let's keep dating." JP was really weird about it, but the essence of it - I am so happy this finally happened.

*You can tell she's trying not to be too disappointed about not getting engaged today.

*ALSO - what is the story with the ring in his hand? I didn't see him go in with Neil Lane - did he still come and JP picked out a ring? What's the story there?

*I skipped most of the ATFR, but here's his conversation with Clare as I imagined it happening
Chris Harrison: What went wrong?
Clare: He isn't the man I thought he was.
CH: Are you in a good place now?
Clare: Yep.

*"What I was going to say, before he (CH) interrupted me..." -JP. Uhhhh if you're new to this, Chris Harrison gets to do whatever he wants. Whenever he wants. This is HIS turf, yo.

*Also, the "I'm just being honest" isn't a get out of jail free card. You don't get to say whatever you want and justify it with honesty. There's still class.

*Wow. This fight between JP and CH is about the best thing I've ever seen. I can't believe JP is getting SO worked up about not saying whether or not he loves Nikki. And she seems totally fine. Either she still has her rose-colored glasses on, or she is just the perfect kind of weird for him. And I get that they may not want the rest of their relationship out in the media, but when you sign up to have cameras follow you for four solid months as you "find the love of your life," you can't be so naive as to think it ends there. Especially 15 years into the show. (ish. Too lazy to look up how long this has been going on.)

*Catherine said it perfectly: Don't bite the hand that fed you.

*LOL and of course JP doesn't get it.

*Did y'all see CH exit stage left as the camera was panning out? He couldn't even wait for full commercial to get out of their presence and take a break!! HAHAHAHAHA! This is awesome!

*lol. "I can say that I'm glad that's over." -CH (Paraphrased.) LOL I've never heard him express such obvious dislike for someone. He is the best.

*And Andi's the new bachelorette! I knew it had to be her or Renee. I'm glad it's not Renee though. She deserved to be with her son, she missed him so much.

*"Don't be surprised if you find love and the world wants to follow you through the journey after the show. I'm just saying, it's ok." -CH

Well that's that. Did I miss anything? I'm sure there are parts I should have seen so if I missed anything good, let me know!

I don't know if I'll watch next season. I like Andi a lot, but it's going to be virtually the same dates, the same conversations, the same everything, and frankly, it's getting a little boring. What I wish the show would do is actually put them in real-life scenarios and make them figure it out - that would be way more interesting and they'd have a better shot at actually matching up compatible people! But the guys can be funny in their entrances, you know, like wearing masks and armor outfits and what not, so maybe I'll watch the first episode. If it grabs my attention....I don't know. We'll just have to see.

Thanks to everyone who reads this! I like feeling like I can still watch and laugh about this with my friends :)

Monday, March 10, 2014

But....the sleeps...

I think my favorite thing about having two babies is when they each wake each other up from naptime from screaming so much.

....

You'd think that, being the champion sleeper that I am, ONE of my kids might follow in my footsteps.

Well. You'd be wrong.