Friday, May 31, 2013

Don't worry I'm just ranting

I'm going to rant for a second. You're probably going to think I'm crazy for a minute.

There was an experience I had a while ago where I was holding Ariana and we were playing, very happy, and someone turned to us and said, "Oh, I think she needs some play time with me!" (Something along those lines) and held out their hands, just a little. Well, at the moment, I wasn't ready to give her up, because sometimes I like to play with her too! I was also worried about sick germs being passed on. I said something noncommittal and hoped it would pass. But this person persisted, and said, "I think she needs convincing," and held out their hands until they were a couple inches away from Ariana. We were in a situation where it would have been rudely distracting for me to say no or explain that now was not a good time (sacrament meeting, anyone?), so I reluctantly handed her over.

Listen, if you want to hold my baby, I get it. She's adorable. And there is just something about holding babies that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And most of the time, I don't have a problem with it.



Sometimes I want to hold her too! You think she's cute? She is! I know! I helped make her!

Or maybe I'm worried about germs because having a sick baby sucks!

Or maybe I'm feeling a little clingy!

Or maybe SHE'S feeling a little clingy!

There could be a thousand other reasons, but what I'm saying is this - a baby is not public property. Thank you for being considerate and asking, but for some reason, since it's not ok to tell people "no" who don't ask and just think it's a given at anytime (if it is - let me know a tactful way to do it), if I'm very obviously holding back when you've already made it clear that you want some play time, back off. Don't keep asking.

It's not your decision. It's not a given. Respect our space, forthelove.

Anyone else have this problem?

*Yes, I realize this post makes me sound like an insane helicopter mom. I'm not. This happens maybe 2% of the time. Ninety-eight percent of the time, I'm fine and dandy and of COURSE you can play with her! But, Lord help me on those other 2%...

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

What to do?

The thing is, the bulk of this blog was used as an outlet for my cancer(ous?) thoughts. Sure, I wrote a little before and after, but not as much of it has had the meaning of the cancer posts. And while now I look back at those and cringe at the awful writing that I'll blame on chemo brain (it's a thing, and it was WAY worse than pregnancy-brain, or even mom-brain so far), and because it hardly encompassed a third of what happened and a fourth of what I felt - because it was the only real outlet I felt I had, I still treasure those posts and think of them when I know I want to write more. Shouldn't all my posts be that funny? (Even though they really weren't.) That insightful? (Same.) That meaningful? But now, life isn't quite as dramatic as it was then, much as Ariana tries to convince me otherwise.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I want to write, but now I'm not sure how to pick up and still be interesting in my mundane life. Would anyone be interested in my random musings? I'm finding Facebook less and less appealing to use as an outlet for my thoughts, and mostly use it for pictures or to catch up with others, but not so much to catch up with me. I feel like most of the things I have to say can't be said in a quick status update, or I don't want to discuss the topics with people I haven't talked with in a very long time but who would want their opinions heard on my wall.

But I also don't want to JUST talk about all the silly things Chris and I do as a silly married couple in our silly lives. I want to talk about things that are just more personal and meaningful. Plus, who really cares what we ate for dinner last night?

Maybe I am just craving more adult interaction :)

I think what I'm getting at is this - I want a kind of fresh start to writing, but haven't been sure how to segway in. I think starting a new blog would be silly - it's still me writing, isn't it? What would I be changing? I don't know, it's just been hard to think about writing about mundane things after so many significant things have been said.

They say that in order to be a good writer, you have to read a lot and write a lot. I eventually want to write a book about my cancer story, even if it's just for me and my childrens. I even have a rough rough rough draft. But recently, a dear friend of mine told me, out of the blue, how she thinks I could really make a great memoir, how she loves my writing style, etc etc. And since it's something I already want to do, it really propelled my interest. She was so nice about it too! I don't think she knows how much what she said meant to me - it was so uplifting - but now, I want to write more. For everything.

I want more discussion too - is there a better platform than a blog for that, but that's more personal than Facebook? I don't necessarily care to force my opinions on everyone's newsfeed. I like that people specifically come here to read and comment. It seems more interesting that way.

Final thoughts - I want more interaction. And writing. And laughing. And sharing. Hopefully you'll be seeing more of me. And I you.