Well, it's less than two weeks until I give birth aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddd...
I've been so torn!
This whole pregnancy, I've been fighting getting attached to this baby. I know it's crazy. I should be thrilled - and I am. I should be so grateful - and I am. I should be anxious, in a good way - and I am. It's just that I'm also scared, nervous, anxious in a bad way, preoccupied, and lots of other not-so-pleasant emotions. And did I mention scared? It took me a really long time to feel excited about this pregnancy, and even more time to feel attached to her, and even that comes and goes. It's just that when past experience teaches you that A + B = trauma, it's hard to later believe that A + B = joy. It's hard, when that similar situation arises, to automatically push aside your anxiety and see the present for what it is, and ONLY for what it is. So, I fight it. I don't believe that this is going to end in a baby. Honest to goodness, I see us going to the hospital in two weeks and leaving with nothing. What baby? What's this nursery we have set up? I'm not sure why we have all that stuff, it's obviously not for MY child. Should we give it away to one of my gazillion friends who had babies recently? No joke - I've had 7 friends give birth this week. THIS WEEK. Nine or ten this month, and maybe....15 since June?
And while that seems like a side note, it's turning out to be pretty significant. Most of these girls, I was there for their announcement. (Facebook counts as being present, right? I mean that I've known these girls pre-, during and now post-pregnancy.) And now I see these beautiful, healthy babies, and it doesn't escape my attention that it will be my situation so soon. Whether I believe it or not, I WILL (God-willing - see? Still skeptical) be coming home with a beautiful baby girl on October 25th. I see these tiny babies and realize that I will be responsible for my own very, very soon, and it's starting to hit home. Finally.
And I am getting so excited.
Guys, it's overwhelming even just to know that you're going to be a parent. Then there's the preparation and things sink in even more, and soon you're at the gates and wondering what it all even means. Is this real life?
Being a mother has been my ultimate goal for as long as I can remember. I know that's cheesy and some would think pretty typical of a Mormon girl - I mean, right? But really. I'm passionate about families, so making my own only makes perfect sense. And I'm here. I'm finally here.
It's like getting married all over again - you know your life is about to change for the better, and you're getting excited. But you're also nervous, because you've never been here before, and there's a lot of bad things people say about it, and then there's the good, and then you aren't living with all your best girlfriends anymore, and can you really share a bed with someone? And compromise? And then, your husband - fight as he may - becomes a great "girlfriend" ('cause you tell him everything), and your bed feels empty and lonely without him, and you want to compromise because you love him so much that you just want him to be happy above everything else.
Is that what having a baby is like? If so, I think I can handle it.
I just can't believe I'm here already. I'm still fighting the attachment to her, I'm still petrified that something is going to go horribly wrong. But in those rare moments where I allow myself to think about the good, "what ifs," I'm almost overwhelmed with excitement. Is this real life? Can it please work out and everything ends up happy and great?
I know this post is a freak-out. I reason that I can't be the ONLY person who feels this way, but nobody ever talks about this aspect. So if you can relate....you're not alone.