Sunday, October 7, 2012

Is this baby real life?

Well, it's less than two weeks until I give birth aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddd...

I've been so torn!

This whole pregnancy, I've been fighting getting attached to this baby. I know it's crazy. I should be thrilled - and I am. I should be so grateful - and I am. I should be anxious, in a good way - and I am. It's just that I'm also scared, nervous, anxious in a bad way, preoccupied, and lots of other not-so-pleasant emotions. And did I mention scared? It took me a really long time to feel excited about this pregnancy, and even more time to feel attached to her, and even that comes and goes. It's just that when past experience teaches you that A + B = trauma, it's hard to later believe that A + B = joy. It's hard, when that similar situation arises, to automatically push aside your anxiety and see the present for what it is, and ONLY for what it is. So, I fight it. I don't believe that this is going to end in a baby. Honest to goodness, I see us going to the hospital in two weeks and leaving with nothing. What baby? What's this nursery we have set up? I'm not sure why we have all that stuff, it's obviously not for MY child. Should we give it away to one of my gazillion friends who had babies recently? No joke - I've had 7 friends give birth this week. THIS WEEK. Nine or ten this month, and maybe....15 since June?

And while that seems like a side note, it's turning out to be pretty significant. Most of these girls, I was there for their announcement. (Facebook counts as being present, right? I mean that I've known these girls pre-, during and now post-pregnancy.) And now I see these beautiful, healthy babies, and it doesn't escape my attention that it will be my situation so soon. Whether I believe it or not, I WILL (God-willing - see? Still skeptical) be coming home with a beautiful baby girl on October 25th. I see these tiny babies and realize that I will be responsible for my own very, very soon, and it's starting to hit home. Finally.

And I am getting so excited.

!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guys, it's overwhelming even just to know that you're going to be a parent. Then there's the preparation and things sink in even more, and soon you're at the gates and wondering what it all even means. Is this real life?

Being a mother has been my ultimate goal for as long as I can remember. I know that's cheesy and some would think pretty typical of a Mormon girl - I mean, right? But really. I'm passionate about families, so making my own only makes perfect sense. And I'm here. I'm finally here.

It's like getting married all over again - you know your life is about to change for the better, and you're getting excited. But you're also nervous, because you've never been here before, and there's a lot of bad things people say about it, and then there's the good, and then you aren't living with all your best girlfriends anymore, and can you really share a bed with someone? And compromise? And then, your husband - fight as he may - becomes a great "girlfriend" ('cause you tell him everything), and your bed feels empty and lonely without him, and you want to compromise because you love him so much that you just want him to be happy above everything else.

Is that what having a baby is like? If so, I think I can handle it.

I just can't believe I'm here already. I'm still fighting the attachment to her, I'm still petrified that something is going to go horribly wrong. But in those rare moments where I allow myself to think about the good, "what ifs," I'm almost overwhelmed with excitement. Is this real life? Can it please work out and everything ends up happy and great?

Please?


I know this post is a freak-out. I reason that I can't be the ONLY person who feels this way, but nobody ever talks about this aspect. So if you can relate....you're not alone.

5 comments:

  1. My kids are old (ya know, almost 3 and almost 10 months) and I still feel this way sometimes. Maybe it's because post-baby things didn't work out how everyone imagines. Maybe it's because they are slowly starving themselves to death. Maybe it's because I'm a heartless mother who lets fear rule my life. Or maybe it's...normal? Nah, nothing in my life is normal! ;)

    But seriously, I actually said just a few days before Caleb was born, "I just don't feel like this pregnancy will actually result in a BABY." It took a lot of drugs to get pregnant, I almost miscarried him twice, and then he was born 13 weeks early. But he came home. And he's awesome. And he's still fighting for his life.

    But I suppose, statistically the odds are in your favor. It'll happen, and it'll be awesome, and I can't wait to see pictures of your sweet little girl. :)

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  2. Rosanne, I think everyone (almost) feels this way before having a baby. It's just plain scary. But you have to go forward. Becoming a mom is a huge act of courage. And faith. It is hard.

    With my second baby, I had a tough time getting attached while I was pregnant. I was scared of miscarrying again, and the pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, so it felt sort of inconvenient and worrisome, plus we were moving abroad and I had so much else on my mind. I felt guilty for not getting so attached and worried that I wouldn't love her. I couldn't picture her in our life.

    I shouldn't have worried about that--the innate love I felt for my baby (and that you'll feel for yours) is the most real thing I've experienced. There will be times when you'll get frustrated with her, and times that you'll seriously question why you decided to have kids, but the love you feel will always win out in the end.

    You can do it!

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  3. I still feel this way. Especially sometimes when I've been out of the house for awhile and come home and realize that Eloise is really real, and is all mine, and she will forever call me mama. Cuh-razy, if you ask me. I mean, amazing, and still makes me excited every day, but I DEFINITELY felt this way super strongly before giving birth. Even while I was in labor, I kept having this feeling, like it wasn't really real, and almost like I could see this happening on a screen to someone else, but it wasn't really ME. And then they're born and you can't imagine your life without them. Your description of it being like marriage it spot-on.
    BUT, also don't be surprised if you keep feeling similar feelings after she's born. I mean, don't beat yourself up if you're not instantly attached to her. Give yourself time to let it sink in and for it to feel real.
    AND...I'M SO FREAKIN EXCITED to hear about her birth. AND, I still need to get your present together and mail it! agh!

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  4. My first baby is 17 and I still feel this way, I am still shocked I had a child, then two more, that I am responsible for another life, forever. Loving your child will come one day at a time, so do not fear, the love will be there.

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