Saturday, June 11, 2011

You guys know what a Slap Chop is?

Oh, there it is. In all its food-chopping beauty! Technically, this is a Pampered Chef Food Chopper, but I'm gonna call it a Slap Chop for convenience's (and humor's) sake. The PC one is classier (and it's the one I own, therefore the one I think of), but the Slap Chop is easier to say, and has a sweet commercial.

I've been thinking about the Slap Chop today because I think someone took one to my abdomen, watched the ad for the food chopper, and tried to think of all the things they could dice inside of me. And....Action! And I'm thinkin....that's gotta stop. Preferably, before my stomach turns into a mushy pulp. First of all, it's not part of the intended use of the Slap Chop; second of all, I can think of a bunch of other ways the Slap Chop can be used more easily and efficiently. Let's list them.
  1. You know how breakfast food is already delicious? Mmm, some fresh orange juice, bacon, and some fluffy chocolate chip pancakes. I think it's vital to add chocolate to anything you possibly can. Wait! Also add: Slap chop, strawberries and whipped cream, and Voila! You have the most delicious breakfast ever. Added bonus, the Slap Chop in this instance helps you feel better, not shredded.
  2. My sister-in-law taught me how to make the most delicious salsa in the world. Ask anyone who's tried it. It has beans, tomatoes, onions, olive oil, and anything else that can make you gassy. It's worth every.....fluff. But my favorite part is the cilantro! So how do you get the cilantro small enough, you ask? Put it in the Slap Chop, of course! Yet again, you have delicious food IN your tummy, not threatening to come OUT of your tummy.
  3. Let's not forget about old pictures from my awkward phase of teenagerdom, where my unkepmt hair - never would I ever have guessed I'd be a hairstylist - huge glasses and hand-me-down clothes were in their full glory. (Oops, almost wrote "gory." Same thing.) The only thing missing were the braces. And the fact that....what? You haven't seen them? Oh, I remember. I put them all in the Slap Chop and cut them to shreds. Then burned them. Your eyes can go ahead and thank me.
  4. Let's play If I Were Tangible, and add to the mix my boss's ideas of how to treat employees, and switch it with, say, Willy Wonka's. You mean, I get to live in a candyland, eat all the chocolate I want AND sing songs all day? No. Duh.
  5. Ooooh! I have another one. The Slap Chop could be used to take my dinner, chop it up small enough to feed my baby who, in a year, would have been old enough to eat foods of this nature.
"Onions, with the skin. Alright? This is making you cry, it's making me cry. Life's hard enough as it is. You don't want to cry anymore." -The Slap Chop Guy

Well said, Vince. Well said.

What other uses can you think of?

1 comment:

  1. you could take it to the face of any boy who rejects you.