Thursday, January 27, 2011

Clean it up!

I have a dirty mouth - seriously. Chris hates it (I originally wrote "Christ," I bet He does, too). I used to hate swearing, I thought it was THE WORST, and then I tried it a few times and thought it was so.....cathartic. Sometimes, something happens and saying "Gosh darn it" just won't express yourself fully.

On Monday, ones of those times happened. Chris and I parked straight across the busy street - 9th East - of the building we needed to go to, but the crosswalk was too far away to justify going up and back for it. Normally, I hate jaywalking - it makes me so nervous. Pedestrians are often unthoughtful as it is, and when they're jaywalking, you just want to yell, "You have no excuse! *****!"

Well, we got the street at the perfect time with no cars, so Chris made a jump decision and grabbed my hand to start running. I protested, but realizing this WAS the perfect opportunity, we made a mad dash across the street. Of course, my phone was in my coat pocket, in perfect position to, you know -


I don't mean to be dramatic, but I about lost it. As I yelled swear word after swear word, Chris had had it. "What are you freaking out about!??!" He knew perfectly well....

"Uhh, are you serious?? A hundred and fifty dollars is in the middle of the road! Broken apart!" (Just the battery and back became dislodged. No fatalities....yet.) A car was approaching, and I seriously weighed my odds of survival and trying to get the phone in time. It was too quick for me, but the next cars had seen what happened, and were mercifully slowing down to let me go back and get it.

"That doesn't mean you have to say !#$% *^&$ #%*^ @$%& *^%$!!!" he yelled back at me from the sidewalk. Well, now you're swearing, and that's not ok. Mostly because I know I've really pissed him off. But couldn't he see, the situation was dire?? If that phone was gone...well. We don't have money floating around. And though it was worth a lot, we got it BOGO - and none of this half-off bidness. For free. You can't lose a steal like that!

The fatality was averted, but crisis with the husband was ongoing. Chris doesn't get upset easily, so when he does, I know I need to shape up. I apologized over and over, but to no avail. Finally, I made a deal with him. "I promise not to utter another swear word the rest of the week!" What's more is that I actually meant it. He thought this was a worthy goal, and soon after said something sexist, so then I didn't feel so bad.

Later that night. I sat on my couch waiting for him to get back from work. He arrived earlier than usual, so when he walked quietly to the door and started BANGING AS HARD AS HE COULD - Jeez I'm sorry but "Goodness Gracious!" didn't cut it. "Holy SH--!!!" I covered my mouth at the end, but the "sh" was out already, and when a word ends with "it," even when you cut yourself off early, the message still gets out. Loud and Clear.

He walked in with a fake sad face. "You promised!!"

Promises are null and void when provoked.

Ideas for revenge?

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