Thursday, January 27, 2011

Clean it up!

I have a dirty mouth - seriously. Chris hates it (I originally wrote "Christ," I bet He does, too). I used to hate swearing, I thought it was THE WORST, and then I tried it a few times and thought it was so.....cathartic. Sometimes, something happens and saying "Gosh darn it" just won't express yourself fully.

On Monday, ones of those times happened. Chris and I parked straight across the busy street - 9th East - of the building we needed to go to, but the crosswalk was too far away to justify going up and back for it. Normally, I hate jaywalking - it makes me so nervous. Pedestrians are often unthoughtful as it is, and when they're jaywalking, you just want to yell, "You have no excuse! *****!"

Well, we got the street at the perfect time with no cars, so Chris made a jump decision and grabbed my hand to start running. I protested, but realizing this WAS the perfect opportunity, we made a mad dash across the street. Of course, my phone was in my coat pocket, in perfect position to, you know -


I don't mean to be dramatic, but I about lost it. As I yelled swear word after swear word, Chris had had it. "What are you freaking out about!??!" He knew perfectly well....

"Uhh, are you serious?? A hundred and fifty dollars is in the middle of the road! Broken apart!" (Just the battery and back became dislodged. No fatalities....yet.) A car was approaching, and I seriously weighed my odds of survival and trying to get the phone in time. It was too quick for me, but the next cars had seen what happened, and were mercifully slowing down to let me go back and get it.

"That doesn't mean you have to say !#$% *^&$ #%*^ @$%& *^%$!!!" he yelled back at me from the sidewalk. Well, now you're swearing, and that's not ok. Mostly because I know I've really pissed him off. But couldn't he see, the situation was dire?? If that phone was gone...well. We don't have money floating around. And though it was worth a lot, we got it BOGO - and none of this half-off bidness. For free. You can't lose a steal like that!

The fatality was averted, but crisis with the husband was ongoing. Chris doesn't get upset easily, so when he does, I know I need to shape up. I apologized over and over, but to no avail. Finally, I made a deal with him. "I promise not to utter another swear word the rest of the week!" What's more is that I actually meant it. He thought this was a worthy goal, and soon after said something sexist, so then I didn't feel so bad.

Later that night. I sat on my couch waiting for him to get back from work. He arrived earlier than usual, so when he walked quietly to the door and started BANGING AS HARD AS HE COULD - Jeez I'm sorry but "Goodness Gracious!" didn't cut it. "Holy SH--!!!" I covered my mouth at the end, but the "sh" was out already, and when a word ends with "it," even when you cut yourself off early, the message still gets out. Loud and Clear.

He walked in with a fake sad face. "You promised!!"

Promises are null and void when provoked.

Ideas for revenge?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Baby Loss

Last week, I was pregnant. Then, I miscarried. I was 9 weeks along. I had to have a surgery to get everything taken out. It was as delightful as it sounds. As much as I joke about a lot of things that I really shouldn't, laughter is how I deal with sorrow. It is much easier to laugh than it is to cry. I can't do that with this. It hurts too much, and it certainly isn't funny. Well, neither is my dad's death, but it always worked with that. Now that I'm faced with something that isn't solved by a simple ab workout, I have no coping mechanisms.

Except writing.

I am somewhat of a closet writer. I've always loved writing, but I've never been super faithful at keeping up on it, until something memorable happens, and usually memorable in the bad way. The week of June 26th, 2005 is probably the best documented week of my life. As is early August, 2008. My marriage to the love of my life? Not so much. It was more important, but I write to deal with the bad times. The good times, I just enjoy. My great great grandchildren, who I'm sure will have nothing better to do than read my depressing journals, will think their grandmama's life was horrendous.

When we found out, a week before our anniversary that I was expecting - we were so excited. Chris has been wanting to be a dad as long as I've known him, but it took me some time to decide I was willing to take on the responsibility of motherhood. However, once I decide something, I am all in. No going back. It was all I could do not to tell everyone, and let's be honest, pretty soon a lot of people knew. Especially when nausea kicked in - how do you hide that from a coworker? Plus, being married in Provo, every other day you get asked if you're pregnant. But there's a huge taboo about telling people before 8-12 weeks "just in case," but as Alison said, "Just because something could go wrong, doesn't mean you walk into it with the expectation that it will go wrong." And it changed my perspective on the whole situation. It was wonderful, and the next 7 weeks I could not wait for this baby, for the doctor's appt, for the heartbeat...

At 9 weeks, we should see this:

But instead, we saw this:

And then the nurse said, "I'm going to have to get the doctor, this isn't a usual ultrasound. We're going to have to do an internal ultrasound, so you'll need to undre-" I have NEVER taken my pants off so fast. And I am a married woman. Who has gotten pregnant. 2+2=4. The doctor then confirmed our worst fears, and we...well. I'm not pregnant anymore.

Of course, by then, all family knew, as well as close friends, and let's talk about awkward conversations. "How's your pregnancy going??" "Oh. Uh. I'm not pregnant anymore." Then they feel awful, and you don't want them to feel awful because how could they have known? It's flattering for others to be so excited for something that is exciting to you. The worst is that our landlord told his old tenants that, "One of my tenants is expecting, so they're moving closer to campus..." and they asked on speakerphone if The Bicks were pregnant while we were at the neighbor's for dinner. Well, as they had just announced their pregnancy, it would have been bad form to admit that we were, but no more. So we lied. And were happy for them. I pretended, because I am a bad person, and can't be that excited for myself anymore. Call me selfish, but it's still fresh.

It's just that - with this baby gone, my plans are now shattered. We cancelled our plans to work in Alaska for the summer, because I would be due the week we come home. Not happening. Either situation would have gotten me out of my miserable job, and I now see no end in sight, which depresses and frustrates me. Depending on the kind of miscarriage, we may have to wait 6 months-1 year to try again. Even less end in sight. The hell of it all is that, as this pregnancy progressed, I felt more and more that this is what I was made for. I was going to be a mother, and I am going to be the best damn mother on earth. I like doing hair, I love working with families and making lives better - but to create life? And then raise it? I realized that there could be literally no better calling.

Smash.

I realize that miscarriages happen every day. To thousands of women. I realize that some women cannot even conceive. My amazing friend who I have talked with about this will probably read this, and I pray it does not add to her pain. But I also believe that pain is pain, and there will always be someone who is worse off than you. That does not mean you cannot feel and express your pain for the reality it is to you. We all deserve the chance to be heard, and empathized with.

I wrote this to express myself in a way I haven't been able to. I have a lot of hope for what is to come, but it still hurts now, and that is what I wanted to share. Publishing it was iffy. I've decided to because I think that when you can share pain, it can make you a catalyst for good things to happen. Relationships can form that normally wouldn't have, others can feel like they are understood, and not alone in their pain. I read earlier this week that, "unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject." I think it shouldn't be.

I wrote this for the sole purpose of being honest about my feelings, to myself, and now to you. I hope it is received in the same way.

Note: I do not own either of these images. They can be found on the first pages of Google image search by searching "9 week ultrasound" and "molar pregnancy"

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

It's Funny Because I Don't Have Kids Yet

Twoish months ago, I started a trend where I was wearing makeup about as often as I was not wearing makeup. (Still with me?) It came down to a very important decision in the mornings: Do you want sleep, or do you want to look like a sexy (married) beast for all the (single) men's hairs you will be cutting today? Guess which one won. But, being vain, I couldn't go without BOTH. The choice became more defined: Hair? Or makeup? I would choose hair (usually). I'm a hairdresser. Duh.

About a month ago, I basically stopped altogether. Both decisions. I am currently growing my hair out because it is easier to pull into a bun when you have more than 3 inches of hair on your head, as has been my trend over the past 22 months. So, that goes into a messy bun (can it be a bun if it still sticks out?) with exactly two bobby pins to hold the short layers in place. Get a little silky-smooth on my face and I am ready to go!

Pros of my new lifestyle:
1. More sleep.
2. No pressure to ALWAYS look hot.
3. Chris notices 0 difference between makeup'd me/non-makeup'd me. Even though on some days when I wear makeup, he's like, "You look so nice today!" and can't figure out why.
4. Now, when I get all dolled up (read: get dressed, do hair AND makeup, maybe even some body spray oooOOOOoooohhh!), I can look in the mirror and say - "Day-um girl!! You lookin' fiiiiiinneeee!!!! Yeah, you are welcome...."
5. More sleep.
6. Chris no longer has to ask me "Will you be ready in 5 minutes?" "Will you be ready in 10 minutes?" He is pleasantly surprised that I am responsible enough to realize that one activity in three must go - sleep, hair, makeup.
7. More sleep.

Cons:
1. I now feel officially married and old.
2. I have started this trend before even conceiving my first child.
3. I always SWORE I never makeup to impress anyone but me. Was I - OMG - lying?!?!!
4. I rarely look hot. Not that I need to pickup anyone, but knowing that I'm at least attractive gives a nice boost to my day.

On the Undecided side, all I have is that I've tried to track if I get more tips on days I don't vs. do wear makeup. And I will whore myself out for all the tips I can get in this stingy town. Results are inconclusive at this point.

Anyone else feeling this? Maybe it's something in the water......