Monday, December 13, 2010

The Pub's Detour

...is now my barbershop, as I learned from a buzzed Irishman.

Irish I were Drunk - Product

He said he had flown in from Ireland two days ago at 3AM, and he hasn't slept since. The first thing he says when he has mine and my coworker's attention was, "You know, I don't give a (expletive), I just need you to cut all this (expletive) off. Just shave all th' (expletive) (expletive) off!"

"Ok, sir, come on have a seat." Nicole had the prestigious honor of cutting his hair, and he proceeded to tell us many wonderful things.

Irishman: "You know, I never bin to Provo before. Bin to Missouri, me dad lives there, but this me first time ta Utah. I'm 'ere fer a (expletive) wedding, so me friend called me to tell me 'bou two months ago tha' I needed ta come."
Nicole: "So, who is getting married?"
Irishman: "Some (expletive). She is just a (expletive) you know? Either he hasn't seen it yet, or he just don't care, but he's makin a (expletive) mistake I tell ya what. "

Since he'd never been to Utah, this guy has no idea that the guy sitting next to him probably hasn't heard this many curse words since serving his mission in the streets of Venezuela. And those were at least in Spanish. I'm sure that, if knew he had entered a sheltered city he'd still be swearing, but he'd probably apologize for being so vulgar, then keep going. Either way, Nicole and I were laughing our heads off.

Irishman: "Is that as short as you can git this (expletive), love? Don' take it personal that I call ya 'love,' unless you wan' to, but if yer married, don' take it personal."
Nicole laughs, and tells him she's married. Later...
Irishman: "Ya know, I had a hard time findin' this place. I was up near exit 297 or some (expletive) like tha', and I call me friend who tol' me bou' it, and she tol' me I was way far off, so I had ta come all the wey down here to fin' this (expletive), and o' course I had ta stop by the pub on me way over..."

What the? How did he find a pub in Provo?! I have lived here for five years and I know of but one place that I could get a nice drink if I wanted, and it's na' 'xactly shoutin' its lo-key-tion...whoops got a little carried away with me accent...

(When the haircut's finished...)
Irishman: "Okee, you guys got any (expletive) hair product? What aboot the (expletive) that the Blackies use? You know, the ones that weer their hey-r like this?" He demonstrates swooped bangs that partially cover one's eyes. Alone, this was funny since his longest hair was no longer than half an inch - how could he use it?
Me: "Oh, like gothic people?"
Irishman: "No, I think you gies call 'em n******?"

.......

First of all, you watch too many (expletive) dirty American movies, because you will not hear any self-respecting American call them that. Second of all, how are our dark-skinned brothers wearing their hair in Ireland? Adam Lambert style? How is that possible? If it is, I want to see it, because it would be awesome.

All in all, it was a pretty eventful 20 minutes. I can' imagine we'll ferget 'im soon!