Monday, December 13, 2010

The Pub's Detour

...is now my barbershop, as I learned from a buzzed Irishman.

Irish I were Drunk - Product

He said he had flown in from Ireland two days ago at 3AM, and he hasn't slept since. The first thing he says when he has mine and my coworker's attention was, "You know, I don't give a (expletive), I just need you to cut all this (expletive) off. Just shave all th' (expletive) (expletive) off!"

"Ok, sir, come on have a seat." Nicole had the prestigious honor of cutting his hair, and he proceeded to tell us many wonderful things.

Irishman: "You know, I never bin to Provo before. Bin to Missouri, me dad lives there, but this me first time ta Utah. I'm 'ere fer a (expletive) wedding, so me friend called me to tell me 'bou two months ago tha' I needed ta come."
Nicole: "So, who is getting married?"
Irishman: "Some (expletive). She is just a (expletive) you know? Either he hasn't seen it yet, or he just don't care, but he's makin a (expletive) mistake I tell ya what. "

Since he'd never been to Utah, this guy has no idea that the guy sitting next to him probably hasn't heard this many curse words since serving his mission in the streets of Venezuela. And those were at least in Spanish. I'm sure that, if knew he had entered a sheltered city he'd still be swearing, but he'd probably apologize for being so vulgar, then keep going. Either way, Nicole and I were laughing our heads off.

Irishman: "Is that as short as you can git this (expletive), love? Don' take it personal that I call ya 'love,' unless you wan' to, but if yer married, don' take it personal."
Nicole laughs, and tells him she's married. Later...
Irishman: "Ya know, I had a hard time findin' this place. I was up near exit 297 or some (expletive) like tha', and I call me friend who tol' me bou' it, and she tol' me I was way far off, so I had ta come all the wey down here to fin' this (expletive), and o' course I had ta stop by the pub on me way over..."

What the? How did he find a pub in Provo?! I have lived here for five years and I know of but one place that I could get a nice drink if I wanted, and it's na' 'xactly shoutin' its lo-key-tion...whoops got a little carried away with me accent...

(When the haircut's finished...)
Irishman: "Okee, you guys got any (expletive) hair product? What aboot the (expletive) that the Blackies use? You know, the ones that weer their hey-r like this?" He demonstrates swooped bangs that partially cover one's eyes. Alone, this was funny since his longest hair was no longer than half an inch - how could he use it?
Me: "Oh, like gothic people?"
Irishman: "No, I think you gies call 'em n******?"

.......

First of all, you watch too many (expletive) dirty American movies, because you will not hear any self-respecting American call them that. Second of all, how are our dark-skinned brothers wearing their hair in Ireland? Adam Lambert style? How is that possible? If it is, I want to see it, because it would be awesome.

All in all, it was a pretty eventful 20 minutes. I can' imagine we'll ferget 'im soon!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I think I can, I think I can...

When the snow came down on Sunday, I wasn't worried because duh, I'm from Missouri and I can handle a good amount of snow on the roads. Nevertheless, I have a husband from Montana (it never stops snowing there), so I asked him for some advice for driving in the snow.

Nevermind that I asked for this advice after I had burned out some tires on our friend's driveway/parking lot...

He told me that I was supposed to go really slow when driving out of a snowy patch, and the worst thing I could do was to "gun it" trying to get out. Probably common sense, and I bet I knew that once upon a time, but - I forget things sometimes.

SO, there I am, on my way home from Zumba (PS I'm not a dancer. Not organized dancing, anyway. I can shake it on my own though!), and I try out his little trick, and voila!! It was beautiful! I went excruciatingly slow, but still - I made it out of another driveway, and no burning rubber!

I came home and told him the good news. I don't know why he wasn't surprised.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Chris Wins!

I have been AWESOME at blog-stalking these past couple weeks, and not so good at writing.

However, good times have been had. Chris placed second and third in two events he competed in for a Jiu-Jitsu tournament on Saturday, and I was forced to watch him get beat up - and guys telling his partner how to beat him up - with the powerless knowledge that I couldn't do anything about it. Here's a short clip of him winning!!!


My birthday happened and Chris decorated the whole living room with balloons that he had blown up for the past couple weeks and had been hiding them all around the apartment. That man is so thoughtful.



uhhh I'm retarded and impatient, so tilt your head to see our living room, 'cause I can't fix it...

And now it's time for me to get out ye olde cookbook and pretend like I know what I'm doing.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I was gonna go to work, but then I got high

Whenever I had a sore/ache in high school - let's pretend my arm hurt - and was silly enough to tell my father about it, he'd ask me, "Do you want me to hurt your leg to take your mind of the pain in your arm?"

I told you that story so I could tell you this story.

Friday I got my wisdom teeth out. Before they put me under, they asked if Loritab was a viable prescription, I said yes because I didn't know any different. Now, however, I know better - if I'm in a situation where I know I won't be able to eat, I can't take Loritab, for it gives me an awful tummyache on an empty stomach. And it is dang hard to eat when I can't open my mouth more than an inch. Dad would understand though; just trading pain for pain.

I still don't get it.

Otherwise, knowing that you were conscious for a certain amount of time but remembering none of it is ridiculous. My friend Amber was my ride, and apparently, I felt good enough to be driving; but she is a smart girl and knew I was just high. She also knew that at 8.5 months pregnant, she would not be able to handle me in a Costco, which is why I got confused when we went through the Walgreens drive through for my prescriptions, when I explicitly told her I get mine filled at Costco. Because there's a difference? I was (apparently) super excited about the chocolate pudding she gave me afterward, and I DO remember being very cranky at the nurse trying to wake me up. No surprise there; no matter what, I'm cranky when being woken up.

Chris says I wasn't too swollen, but I think he's just a good husband. Awwww. After throwing up today - 3 days later - let's see how tomorrow turns out. Or stays in.

Please, everything, just stay in.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Learning To Live With A Boy

Right now, this bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms is the only thing separating Chris and I. Normally, when we get the chance to sit together while doing different things, I want to be as close to him as possible. But because he was not sharing and put the M&Ms on the other side of him, I placed them between us. Peanut Butter M&Ms are about my favorite things in the world. And Keebler Grasshoppers with hot chocolate. This was the only way to settle my unhappiness.

Then, Chris, after lecturing me all weekend on how Sunday was to be his "study-only-do-nothing-else-day," he tried to put an M&M up my nose.

"I don't want it up my nose!!" I protested.

"Yes you do!!" He yells back.

So, in trying to get himself back on track, he kneels down and studies with his notebook on the cushion.

"There. Now God thinks I'm praying."


He told me not to blog that last part. Too bad.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Dynamite

Whenever I hear the song "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz, this is how I envision it being written.

Reporter: "So, what is it you do, exactly?"
Taio Cruz: "I throw my hands up in the air."

Reporter: "How often?"
Taio Cruz: "Sometimes."

Reporter: "Do you ever say anything while doing this?"
Taio Cruz: "A-YO! Gotta let go!"

Reporter: "Why do you do this? What do you want to do?"
Taio Cruz: "I want to celebrate and live my life!"

Reporter: "How do you plan on doing this?"
Taio Cruz: "We gon' rock this club, we gon' go all night. We gon' light it up like it's dynamite!"

Reporter: "Excuse me?"
Taio Cruz: "I told you once - now I told you twice! We gon' light it up like it's dynamite."

I could go on. But you imagine the rest for me.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Ugly Cut

I work at a barbershop where the (de-)motivator of our week is our $5 cut day! Considering that every other day, regular cuts are only $7, you'd think this wasn't such a huge deal - no matter what, it's a definite steal - but most of the families in town seem to plan their entire week around the day their kids need "just a trim." And rightly so - the wait can be over an hour with six stylists working, doing 3-5 cuts/hour.

There is a style going around that is hideous to Caucasians or anyone with style, but bound to get some Latin guys a girl - or so they think. I get requests for it all too often. I tried to find a picture of said style, but after searching "latin male, bangs stick straight up" and "latin male haircuts," all I found was this picture of Cameron Diaz, though surprisingly close to what they're asking for:


Except, imagine that her hair not defying gravity is 1/4" long.

I'm not kidding.

The other day, a particularly picky mom came in and asked for said style for her young son, making it clear that I was only to take a half-inch off the top. Being a hairdresser, I naturally took this to mean that I should go shorter (though not by much, I'm working on it) and soon I took to my habit and cut myself with scissors. While I was playing nurse to my finger, the mother came over and started to get worked up about how I took WAY too much off (I didn't) and that I should just buzz it because it wouldn't look right.

"Looks like you messed up there, too," she snarled, pointing to a spot where I nicked his hairline in a little deep. There was no sympathy for my bleeding finger.

"Honey. I have news for you. That style looks atrocious. I was doing your son a favor." Well, I didn't say it, but I would have liked to.

However, she became quite angry, and after muttering completely audible insults, on her way out she declared that it was "worth the $13 to get his hair cut somewhere else." (It still blows my mind that she thinks $13 was already too expensive.)

However, on our last $5 day, I had two boys in, about the same age, who were adamant that his bangs not even be touched.

So I asked the little boy, "Have you ever been here before?"

"Yes," he replied, somewhat shyly.

"Did someone cut your bangs too short, and your mommy got mad?"

"Yes." He smiled this time.

Oddly enough, she never came in.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My One Dollar Reason I Love D.I.






As my sister-in-law says, D.I. does not know how to price things.

PS I don't know why the first one is sideways. And I always forget that @&^!* Blogger uploads in reverse. And I'm too lazy to fix it. Ta-ta!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

And so, we're like

why isn't our vacuum working?



So, we do a little investigating...



...and found this.

Ahhh. The joys of Cosmetology.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

New Roomies!

And by roomies, I mean additions to our apartment. No, I'm not pregnant. Just wanted to clear that up - but if you ask me to my face, I will always tell you I am.

We went to Montana, and stopped by the pet store so I could look at puppies, as I often request to do. While there, Chris decided to buy a goldfish for their backyard pond. Chris, being the funny guy he is, asked, "How much for the brown goldfish in the bottom corner?" The girl said it was a tadpole (oh, really?) and it was FREE since it shouldn't have been in there, and we could have it as long as we *promised* not to set it free so it didn't offset the local population or something like that. Well, I was reluctant about bringing it home, but Chris was so excited about it - how could I resist? So, here is our new bullfrog tadpole, Squishy.


Isn't he cute? Well, I hate him but Chris loves him so I guess I like him. Don't tell the landlord.

Next, my mother in law found a black widow by our bed. Scary? I think so. But then we found him because when my brother in law killed it, he disregarded its cleanup. So. Does this not look like a squashed black widow to anyone else?


Maybe I am just telling myself that, but we'll see. Ew. I can't believe I posted a squished spider on my blog. How gross am I??!?!

Last but not least, we have a new, b-e-a-U-tiful camera, the likes of which I have been on my knees begging for for months - metaphorically speaking. It looks a little something like this:


Without this little beauty, this blog wouldn't have been possible. We've been basically camera-less for a couple months - Chris' mission one doesn't respond well to our tactile commands, and I dropped mine in the rain in Missouri a year ago and my sister found it about 30 minutes later. Poor guy never did recover. And so, my search for a new, easy to use, functional, step above a point and shoot but below professional camera began. And this one entered our life in the funniest way.
If course, I browsed the local electronics departments for a camera, but my real treasure finder was KSL. I'd see a camera at a reasonable price, then go to digitalcamerareview.com to see if it was any good or just a POS some dishonest creep was trying to get off his hands (in UTAH?!! noo...). I found a point and shoot, and was about to buy it, but Chris and I went to their apartment to see if it was functional, good pictures, etc. It was a quaint apartment in west Provo, and the couple was nice but incredibly awkward, and we ended up rejecting their goods because we wanted something a little more upscale - but told them we were looking for an underwater. At the time we were, but later decided we'd just use a disposable for the two times a year we might want submerged pictures. The husband said their regular pictures weren't as good anyway.
For a while, I forgot my search and went about my life, but one night, about a month later, I got on KSL on a whim and found my little baby up there. I was adamant about seeing it - the guy was selling it to the first buyer with cash, and there were no, I mean NO bad reviews on any site about it. And it was a third what the full price option was. I called to see why he was selling - I guess he got a nicer one, this was only 6 months used, blah blah I'm rich with money to burn blah blah. We went. We saw the address. And wouldn't you know - it was the same a couple as before!!! We almost didn't go in, but decided we'd buy it even if we hated it, just so we didn't reject the same people twice. Awkward!
The husband opened the door and said hello, then hello when he saw who we were. We joked about how he said, "Decided not to go with the underwater?" a little too judgmentally, tested the little guy, exchanged cash and went on our way.
We saw their picture in a ward bulletin in our stake building the next day, so I can't wait to take awkward pictures with them in the background at our opening social. With our sweet, sweet Nikon Coolpix L100.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Vanity & Heartbreak

I was on my way to pick up Chris, and I saw a Hummer (south of campus - what is it doing in the hood?) with the license plate "Vanity2." Well, honey, you don't need a license plate to tell us. You're driving a Hummer. We know. My next thought was why they had the 2, so I wondered who had taken the precious "Vanity1." (simply "Vanity" didn't occur to me until just now.)

Not four hours later, I pull out of Target, and who do I pull up to but a sleek Beemer with the plate "Vanity1."

Coincidence?

Later, I was radio station searching and Taio Cruz was singing about his heartlessness, which I had gotten enough of when I changed another station, and this is what I heard...

103.9: "I'm only gonna break break your, break break..."
100.7: "...your heart. I'm only gonna bre..."
103.9: "ak break, your, break break your..."
100.7: "...heart. I'm only gonna break break your..."

Needless to say, I switched back and forth entertaining myself until Ludacris interrupted the syncopation.

PS I have been married for six whole months. Let's see what Chris has planned for tonight...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-al-co-hol

Just kidding.

Seen on a t-shirt:

Never will I ever see that and NOT laugh. I found it on a website with hilarious shirts, and this one's a good one too. They are especially lethal for me to browse at night. Even though I've seen the shirts tons of times, I will bust a gut everysingletime I look at them. In a world of unsure times, of not knowing what will happen tomorrow, THAT, my friends, is consistency.

Tomorrow night, the husband and I will attend a wedding reception, but he doesn't know that I'm mostly going for the half-naked Polynesian dancers covered in oil so you can stick money on them for the bride and groom. (Oh, right - and I'm friends with the bride.) All I had to say was, "unlimited wings!!" and he was in. I may not have the guts to go stick on some money, but if I do....well, let's just say it's lucky for him that it's V-day weekend and he can win back my affections by buying me something nice and pretty. Like a diamond.

Or a puppy! Our ward gave us a paper to fill out with the three things we're most worried about as a couple, and I was only honest on one of them - the third, where I admitted I was worried about us getting a puppy. I'm not kidding - Chris would have it in for me. Regardless, I might come home with one this weekend after the Petsmart adoption event. Sure, we'll get kicked out of our apartment, but we'll have each other. Well, he'll have me and I'll have Summer. (Big Daddy if I get a boy.)

Wish me luck!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Well, looks like I got married!!! Crazy, since the last time I wrote I wasn't even dating anyone, but life happens, and *poof* marriage just happens to people. Haha, just kidding. We chose to.

Well Chris and I met in the ward, he lived downstairs and I lived upstairs and he'll say I stalked him but I say he stalked me. We hung out a few times - including the masquerade I showed in the last post - and he won me over with his charm and manliness, and I won him with my loud laugh and I-don't-care-what-people-think attitude. I knew that would get me somewhere! Our first date was climbing a mountain, and it's amazing that, even seeing how out of shape I was compared to how manly he was, he still wanted to go out with me!

This is us on our back-breaking first date. Okayokay it wasn't that bad, but it's not something I'd do unless I really wanted to go out with the guy


This is us in Missouri at Adam-Ondi-Ahman. You'll notice the difference from Missouri and Utah/Montana pictures through the ridiculous humidity --> my hair sticking to my face!


We then went to Montana, and brought along one of his mission friends, David. He's from Brazil and speaks barely any English so Chris got to play Translator and I got to learn Portugese! In a week!


Us in Montana, riding one of Chris' horses. Oh yeah he's a cowboy.


And, of course, the wedding

Our amazing photographer, Julie Duke - soon Julie Cannon! Check out her work - juliedphotography.blogspot.com


Nice, timeless. Love it


Everyone needs a jumping picture! But I tell you what, plan on a light wedding dress or strong legs, 'cause without one you won't get up too high


LOVE


FUNNY


Chris THINKS he's funny


Just learning the options my computer has with color imaging


My BFF's for the past 4 years - loveyouloveyouloveyou


My hair school girls and also some of my greatest friends


We are in love.


And that's it!! See you in a few months or so...

Rosanne BICK!