Friday, September 26, 2008

I hope I am hallucinating

I'm sitting here, 2 AM, just finishing up some homework, you know? Nothing big except that I'm tired - can I hear a "yea, verily!" and have had a very long week. I want to go to bed. Well, I see something scurry across the floor and it's probably my imagination, right? But earlier I saw a large spider get away in apartment 9 and I'm not about to let something that retarded (sorry, God, that's one creation I am working on accepting) run amuck in my apartment. So I keep my eyes on the area of suspect and suddenly, a mouse crawls across the floor. Chomping on some cute bits of food that have undoubtedly been there for weeks because not one of us has time to clean. We had mice once in the duplex in Missouri, not on purpose, mind you, and I don't know whether or not to freak out, but I'm going to just a little bit because is it acceptable to be chill with a rodent living in your heater closet? We didn't catch it, but we taped off the space betwixt the door and the floor and so hopefully it won't at least come out anymore.

There is a scripture Claire showed me in the temple that now hangs in my room because it is so ridiculously helpful. I read a particular part that stuck out to me - you know how that happens, different things mean more or less depending on the time you read it, what your context is, etc. This particular line is in the Doctrine and Covenants, and it says "And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious." Well, friends, I don't think God only meant our blessings, but those things which are hard for us. ALL things. Even - especially? - the ones we see no purpose in and wonder why the world they had to happen. Grateful? For pain? And then when things just keep on piling up when you absolutely expect that everything else should at least stay together, and it doesn't....be grateful. And I am. Today something happened that could potentially change the rest of my life, and when I heard, I had a mini freak out for a split second and then it was gone, and I was at complete peace. It may be because it's intense enough that alone, I could have had a real breakdown, and on top of everything else...wow. but more likely I believe it was Heavenly Father just telling me it's okay. It's okay. And it is the first trial I have ever had where it happens, and I don't really let it hit me and I give it straight to God, because it's way beyond my power to handle. It's a matter of faith that the decisions I have made were definitely okay-ed by Him, and just to keep going. I feel really good about it. And I can still see so many blessings in my life it's ridiculous. The rest of that scripture BTW is section 78:17-19. It's so good. God is so good.

Also because my friend in Mexico, Alison, called me today. From Mexico. Because she is the bomb.com, and knows when it needs to be Alison Time, and when it needs to be Rosanne Time. And Sunny called me yesterday, and that is a blessing I can't ever look past, the gift of friendship. Blessed, I say.

And now, an Ode to my Bed:
Oh, sleepy
How long hath thou waited for me?
Some nights, yea, some days have almost made me believe I wouldst not see thee
but still, through the long times, you waited
and waited
and stayed, Your Comfortableness, where I knew I could find you.
And I know if I need a cry, or a sleep at night, or even in the bright sunlight hours,
You are only too happy to accommodate me.
If I could only show thee how much joy thou hast given unto me,
alas, it is impossible
for I am perfectly in your debt,
and you cannot feel emotion anyway.
No more waiting, for now, I come to thee.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Good, simple things

I kept meaning to write again this week, and then my days would happen to go so that the only time I had remaining was at 1AM, when I was dead tired and still hadn't read my scriptures. Well, priorities took precedence and, alas, I have not written. 

Some events of significance happened this week that I am only too happy to share. First, I saw a lady carrying 5 dozen Krispy Kremes, and I commend my own self-control in not grabbing them and running away with them. (thank you, thank you) Then, I had a dream that I made out with Daniel Radcliffe, more popularly known as Harry Potter, and he was going to propose when we got home and were done fighting the goblins and zombies that had invaded the Dyer mansion on the mountain. I was scared, but it was all okay. We were TOTALLY going to win because we all dressed in black and had a device to turn off the stars, so we would somehow be able to kill the zombies, but not vice versa.

Okay so maybe that's ridiculous. But maybe it triggered my memory of an incredibly vivid dream I had when I was 17 or so. It all just came back to me in the shower - most of my epiphanies come there, oddly enough. I stopped what I was doing so fast that it took me a minute or so to realize I was no longer doing anything but standing there, thinking...it was a really intense flashback. I cannot relate the dream here, but I will say that it brought me a lot of peace, and a knowledge that everything happens for a reason, and that God knows everything that has, is, and will happen to us. And He'll lead and protect us through it all. Kayla sent me a quote this week - The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect us. A-men. The hardest lessons to learn are the most precious.

I believe God communicates with us through any medium that is appropriate - like that dream I had (the 17 one, not Harry Potter, haha). Also through music. I own 3964 songs, roughly 11 days of music. So when I put my iTunes on shuffle, I expect to hear something different for a week and a half if I choose to keep it on for so long. Well, due to a transfer error, about a hundred of those songs are doubles and I haven't deleted all the duplicates yet. So this morning as I'm getting ready (okay...afternoon), random songs are playing, and one by Staind called Zoe Jane pops on. It's about his daughter and how he wants to be around her but has work to do that takes him away. He misses her and he's so sad every time he leaves but wants her to know he loves her so much. And I'd never thought about it extensively, I imagine a 4-year-old blonde as he sings it and not much else. It's cute, you know? Well, maybe 15 songs later, the double of that song plays. Out of 4000 songs, and two of the same play in 45 minutes?

I wasn't even thinking about my dad today. But I do appreciate reminders that he's still around, and that God will throw little fun things like that into my days to remind me that He exists and is willing to show me His conscientiousness. That may sound out there to some, and that's fine. I really think that God will use any worthy medium to communicate with us, and enjoy finding those times when they happen.

Other highlights - I did my very first updo!! I went to a kickin Tejano party, AND I got my hair cut, and I have bangs - excuse me, fringe - for the first time in 10 years or so. I like it. :)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Return

Ever since I saw Amelie I have thought about those things that "elle aime." At the top of my list is:
-Waking up three hours before I should, looking at the clock and realizing how long it is until I have to get up, and going back to sleep with a smile on my face.
-Slightly burnt Cheez-its
-Thinking about braiding the stems on my lamp in the living room. I'm doing that soon...maybe tonight?
-Paul Mitchell!
-The fact that BYU CREAMED UCLA today, with a 59-NADA win!!!!!! And I'm proud to be an American....wait. Different song. That game was still pimp.

Speaking of which (the PM part), that is going ridiculously well. I realize that I am extraordinarily different from most the girls in my class - there's only 8 of us which is sweet - and it's totally fine. I was worried I would somehow exclude myself because I 'don't fit in,' and I don't. I participate in chat and dinner breaks when I care, and if I find that I just want to be alone, work on homework, or do something on my own, I FINALLY have the confidence to just....do what I want. And not care what they think. And this isn't in some self-righteous way, I just really appreciate my independence and don't feel the special need to be the center of attention all the time to feel like I fit in. I will work for the friendship when I feel like I can and I'm comfortable, or when I feel someone else needs it. 

Does this make any sense? I'm listening to a song called Missing Missouri so it's driving my thoughts more than this so it could be discombobulated, and I'd say I'll fix it later, but....I won't. haha. Anyway, there is a 38 year old Domincan in my class named Rosa and i ADORE her. She is so friendly and fun and just great to talk to, she has some great stories and I'm learning a lot from her and her determinism and strength. She is a solid woman, and a great influence on me already.

Well, homework calls. So does every piece of chocolate in my apartment, and beyond. I swear sometimes I could drink a bottle of Hershey's syrup and not think twice. Thank goodness for cookie dough. And Ben&Jerry's on sale...and chocolate chips...and Ghiradelli...

Have I ever mentioned it's a dream of mine to visit Ghiradelli Square in San Fran? Any takers for a road trip?